sharks love asparagus

Love Letter to Prozac.

2011-12-21T11:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Prozac,
(cc: Bupropion)

I feel like I now have a solid idea of what it's like to feel sane. Not feel anxiety about everything little. Not feel like crying & shaking by myself in a dark room.

Fucking awesome.

Life is pretty great right now. My relationship with Nick is really wonderful. Our trip to Bellingham was very healing. For the first time I think I might actually be content with my life. Accepting that my current situation is pretty damn good. Instead of desperately fantasizing about running from it every 3 weeks. It's so nice to feel more balanced. & so foreign. Sorta funny.

Love,

Katie

Trying to figure shit out.

2011-10-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

My skin has been crawling for weeks now. Maybe forever. I'm really sick of it. I've found a new therapist, who seems quite competent. I'm really happy about that. Also a new psychiatrist & endocrinologist. I hope between the 3 of them, they'll be able to help get a handle on my chemical imbalances.

I'm feeling so irritated with other people. I need to surround myself with the people who aren't total douchebags. I have several people available to me who I call friends but I rarely see them.. mostly because in the moment, I think I'd rather hole up in my room after work than give them a call. I need to change my routine. I NEED to! This job has got to go. Most of these guys have really started to bug the shit out of me. I don't share their priorities. They don't give me the tasks that I'm really good at. I'm looked at differently simply because I'm a woman. It's been fine for the most part, but I'm just starting to get to the end of my rope. & I'm desperately trying to work up the balls to leave.

I feel good about my prospects though. I know I'm capable of a lot more & I'm determined to make a bunch of big changes in the next 3 months. I've given myself a tentative deadline - the new year, to get it together.

Oh god, I love clawfoot tubs: http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/sf/tubs/design-obsession-clawfoot-tubs-in-every-color-158253

What do I really want in life? I love plants. I want to be surrounded by plants. I love kitties. I really do love the people I call friends. Even though I seldom see them, I really cherish them. I hope they can sense my energy even though I'm far away. I hope they know..

Very soon I hope I'll have a lot more time on my hands for art & music & crafting & decorating & socializing. Then back to school for learning & reading. That will take a lot of energy from the art making but my chosen career will allow my to go back to it again once I get settled. I will make more of my life. I can't just let myself fade away into the background even though that's been my safe place for the past 20 years. I've got to break out of it or I will just die away. & I don't know if anyone would notice.

:) I'm feelin sorta good today. Skin still crawly. Going to try to sneak in some crochet time between work tasks. Maybe some stomach crunches. Hopefully some reading too. I'm still working my way thru Book 1 of Game of Thrones but I'm picking up the pace. I've realized that reading really relaxes me. I end up forgetting about my anxiety & the psychosomatic pains in my body. I'm also really looking forward to our November trip to Seattle to visit with Nick's family. Our relationship always seem to come back refreshed from Washington.

Mood Book.

2011-10-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

I've started keeping track of my moods in a little thing I call the mood book. I made it in excel. It's super cute. There are little suns on the days I'm happy feeling. Clouds for depression. Circled capital A's for anxiety. Angry face, P for period, M for manic, hearts for lovey days, etc.

Hoping it will help illuminate something.. though I'm not sure what. Perhaps it will solidify my suspicions that I get real upset around the week of the crimson tide. [I thought Steven Seagal was in that movie but I just googled it & he's not. Oh well.]

Did you guys know SeaQuest is on Netflix instant play? The whole thing!

I like using little pictographs & symbols instead of words & such. I don't know if that's significant but I imagine some people prefer words. I wonder what else that correlates to.

The other day I had trouble understanding a sentence that this girl was saying to me. It was really confusing. I don't think she was mumbling but maybe she was... anyway I thought I might have had some sort of brain malfunction. It was like she was speaking a different language. Very strange. Then it suddenly cleared up. I hope that's not a harbinger of things to come.. my mother did develop a seizure disorder later in life though (& unbeknownst to anyone, she'd had 3 very small strokes at some point). Doctors thought it might be stress more than genes, but I was birthed from her. & I'm really good at stressing myself out.

It must be that time of the month.

2011-09-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

I must be about to start my period...

...because I'm wanting to break up with my boyfriend again. Like I do every month. When I'm about to start the rag.

I think it actually makes a lot of evolutionary sense. He didn't make a baby so it's time to find someone who will.

Good thing I don't actually want them. Ugh. If I had babies now that would be the worst thing in the world.

* * * * *

Monday is our 3 year anniversary. Crazy.

Change.

2011-08-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

Made the decision to wait for another quarter or two to start school. It was a really hard decision, even though it may have seemed like the easy choice. Not having to go to school. But what it really means is that I've decided to disrupt my plan & disrupt my 'happy shell' facade. Time to quit my job & find a new part time something to keep an income. And while doing that, get back into therapy, find a new psychiatrist and a new endocrinologist. Make a bunch of art and try to finally grow past my depression.

There's a lot more to this, but I'm not going to get into it now.

* * * * * *

The reason I'm writing is to vent a bit. So I can stop crying & move on. I am feeling a little bit abandoned. He even said this morning that he's "been waiting for me to do something" and in essence, I've now decided to not do it. & implied he's disappointed, maybe even disgusted by me now. Even though he encouraged this path, which I believe is the right one. But he's sub-consciously punishing me for it. It at least that's the way it sorta feels to me. It might simply have all to do with the fact that he hasn't been sleeping or eating enough so he's just extra irritable - & my attention is usually rejected during that state of his.

That's fine & all. I'm just feeling like I made this really difficult life change and as soon as I do it he bails on me. He doesn't see it that way & I know that isn't the whole truth. That's just how I'm feeling right now at this moment.

I have no idea what he was expecting/wanting me to do in the past two days. I don't know what he wants from me. He claims he was giving me space.. which isn't something I asked for. What he must've meant is that he wanted space & he wouldn't say why. So I guess I'm just going to go the rest of the day without talking to him. He even hung up on me. Baffling. I'm just taking a couple days to process this all. Was I not supposed to do that?

Oh, hey now.

2011-08-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

It was my birthday last week... I turned 27. Today is also my 3 year anniversary @ Love Systems. This is the longest I've ever held the same job. I hope I don't have to hold it for too much longer. 3 years in Los Angeles. & in one more month it'll be 3 years with Nicolas. Lots of things changed for me in August of 2008..

My grad school app is due in 2 weeks. I hope to God/Science/Hell/Flying Spaghetti Monster I get accepted. I never even got used to identifying as "26" - being "27" just seems weird.

It's like 30 minus 3. Mom had me at this age. This age, 6 days ago. Eeek. I've got a great partner though. Last weekend we went to San Diego. Laid out in the sun, ate yummy food, relaxed. It was quite nice.

I guess I didn't do one of my silly birthday posts last year.. but I'll do one now. This was my 24th birthday goal list:

1. I have the same job
2. Same house as last year & it's still awesome. Living with Nick, Chris & Devin. & I've been redecorating like crazy. It's starting to look really good..
3. I'm almost done applying to college!
4. Took many vacations. In the past couple years I've been to: New Orleans, Portland, Seattle, Monterrey, San Francisco, New York
5. This should probably be changed to something like get creative output going (hopefully in a manner that makes some money) - I've started an Etsy store where I sell my vintage stuff I no longer wear
6. Same boyfriend!
7. I def got new tattoos.. I got 5 more since my 26th birthday. (& have 2 more planned for the very near future)
8. Well, I've gotten down to 129-131 pounds. I do need to exercise more.
9. I don't hate life. I still have hangups, anxiety, depression, but things are really looking up. I'm learning a lot.
10. Oh I don't want a party this year. I got a wonderful relaxing weekend in the sun which was all I needed :)

SANE.

2011-07-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

I should probably mention somewhere that I often rant about shit like the below when I'm not feeling sane, and tend not to need to blog/vent when I do feel sane. So this is a sane post...

The feelings I discussed earlier in the week aren't really applying now. I wouldn't rather be single than be with Nick. I adore him. Like ridiculous tons. I'm just sorta nuts when I'm not on my meds. (I'm def still bisexual though..)

* * * *

In other news - grad school application due in 4 WEEKS!!! I'm almost done with my essay. Sent my transcript request. Applied for financial aid. Now I just need to get my letters of rec & send all the shit in. YAY! I can't wait to start school.

* * * *

I'm going to get more tattoos soon. Also excited about that.

OUT.

2011-07-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm bisexual. Or actually more like pansexual. I feel like bisexual implies one has sex with both sexes, which I've yet to do.. but I've been attracted to women since I was a kid. I've just never acted on it. I think this is part of the reason I have a hard time being friends with women. I don't know how to interact with them. Actually, I have a hard time connecting with anybody I haven't had sex with - if I find them sexually attractive at all. Come to think of it, people of either sex that I'm not attracted too are fairly easy for me to interact with.

I wish I was single. I wish it so badly. I love Nick so much but we rarely do it.. and when we do, I have a hard time keeping my head in it. It's my fault - I just don't find his body that interesting. Which is so weird because I find him super interesting. I wish we could just be really close friends. I wish I could be free to date women.

I've, of course, got all this baggage where it's easier to be into the sex if I'm not emotionally invested in the person, but honestly I think that's the case with the majority of people. Otherwise there wouldn't be all those lady magazine articles about "how to spruce up your boring sex life with your husband" etc...

Only a few people know this thing about me. I think. & since even fewer people read this blog that number really hasn't changed.. but I feel a teeny bit better now. Oh, not really. If I really wanted to be out I'd tell my parents & be dating a girl. Or girls. & going to girl nights & such.

I really feel like I'm suppressing a part of myself. I hate that.

* * * * *

Also, my kitty, Moo has been missing for over a week. I miss her.

Energy is the thing to deal with.

2011-07-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

My lack of energy has always been a problem. Maybe the biggest problem. I'm starting to realize how much of my energy & depression could be related to my hypothyroidism. I've had this condition since I was 10. Getting that totally handled could be the thing that makes the difference for me.

Now, if only I could find a competent endocrinologist. :/

Acceptance.

2011-07-05T17:57:00.000-07:00

I'm moody. Moody moody moody. Maybe I shouldn't try to hard to control my every mood. Unless it's destructive to other people, it really doesn't matter. Fighting everything - the moodiness, the anxiety, intoxication (should that be relevant) - takes a shit-ton of energy & the result usually ends up being.. I just don't ever feel like I'm really living. b/c I'm over analyzing everything to a point in which all my actions become unnaturally occurring. Fuck that shit.

25 Albums Thingy - Expanded

2011-07-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

This is from the FB meme thing thing. I thought it would be fun to expand on it & tell you why these albums are significant to me...

...but who the hell has time for that?

1. Kid A - Radiohead
2. Pinkerton & Green Album - Weezer
3. Keep Your Eyes Ahead - The Helio Sequence
4. Visiter - The Dodos
5. When The Pawn - Fiona Apple
6. Best of Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong - EF & LA
7. Only A Lad - Oingo Boingo
8. Whatever and Ever, Amen - Ben Folds Five
9. Bad Music for Bad People - The Cramps
10. Conditions - The Temper Trap
11. King James Version - Harvey Danger
12. The Midnight Organ Fight - Frightened Rabbit
13. Lola Versus Powerman and The Moneygoround - The Kinks
14. Rock and Roll Part 3 - Ozma
15. Girl Crushes Boy - Smile
16. Dummy - Portishead
17. The 3 EP's - The Beta Band
18. The Photo Album - Death Cab for Cutie
19. The Rhumb Line - Ra Ra Riot
20. The Reminder - Feist
21. We Are The Only Friends We Have - Piebald
22. Woodson [EP] - The Get Up Kids
23. You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having - Atmosphere
24. White Blood Cells - The White Stripes
25. Cross - Justice

Anxiety is the thing to deal with.

2011-06-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

Anxiety is really the main thing that disturbs me. Disrupts my well-being. Affects my self-esteem. Keeps me from connecting with people. If I can minimize it I think I'll be a bit happier. There are a lot of things to consider while dealing with it.

-I'm a weirdo. I have to stop worrying that people are going to think I'm weird. & a tad socially inept. It's true. I'm weird. And a tad socially inept. Let's accept this.

Ok. Accepted. Now what?

-I'm funny & if some people don't think I'm funny, then they just don't share my sense of humor & that really doesn't matter. I never make blatantly offensive jokes, so I never really have to worry about offending anyone.

-Worried about offending people. I don't really say tactless shit very often. If at all, so I don't really need to worry about this.

Ok. Dealt with. What else?

-My looks/style. Pretty good in that dept. I shouldn't be anxious about wearing some of my more colorful zany shit. It's awesome. I should wear it & be proud instead of having it & hiding it away in my closet until I feel self-actualized enough to rock it. I can do it now.

Start wearing crazy dresses & shoes to work. No one cares what I wear at work. It's the perfect place to test it all out. Nice. Moving on.

-Energy levels - Why am I so tired all the time? I know it's my brain shutting down my body b/c of the anxiety. So if the initial anxiety about being active is diminished, my brain won't try to sabotage my body.

Yuep. Ok, I feel good about this plan.

Start tomorrow.

Debate: "the artist"

2011-06-06T17:18:00.000-07:00

I asked Nick if he considers me an artist - in the way he considers himself, Chris and his mother to be artists. Here is his answer:

No. I think it's a question of dedication and output. Artists are focused on their work, it is foremost in their minds. It consumes them. They cannot exist without working on it quite regularly.

This is the answer I expected of him. My emotional response is one of disgust at his arrogance. But let's see what comes out of my reasoning... perhaps he is right.

So, the difference the level of passion? The time spent doing artsy things? Or working on one specific type of art?

I spend a lot of time making art. I painted a shit-ton when I was hanging out with Matt. I've painted a shit-ton throughout my entire life. I need to paint more. I love it. I keep sketch books. I constantly doodle. I sing every day (and eagerly await the day my partner in folk music (Nick) is finally ready to record with me). I'm constantly seeking out new music for us to learn. I practice piano and guitar and ukulele from time to time (not enough, I know). I bring in new instruments for us to incorporate into our songs. I knit & crochet quite often. I learn new stitches. Sometimes I sew things. I'm about to embark on a reupholstery project. I constantly think about how to arrange the furniture in our house to make it more lovely and peaceful and pleasant to live in. On a daily basis I take photographs of my surroundings. Some are more "art" than others. I even help Nick mix. I listen carefully to the songs I hear & break down the pieces. This is a new thing I got from him. I find it super fascinating. It's changed the way I think about writing my own songs.

Do all these things not make me an artist? Does a specific art need to be my career in order for me to be considered an artist? I'm quite good at some of these activities. I'm just learning how to do others. Is "crafty" not the same thing as "artist?" Unless said craft is how I make my money? How I express myself.

I keep a lot of these things to myself. I don't feel like advertising one's art makes one more of an artist. Some things are public. Some I keep to myself. Some are meant for others.

I can't live happily without having all of these activities in my life. & probably more importantly, in varying degrees, all these things are or once have been emotional outlets for me. Doesn't that make it art more than anything else?

So after all this, why am I not considered an artist?

Dangit.

2011-06-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

I'm seeing this blog start to go the way of my old blog - down the depressed, venting, no-one-to-really-talk-to-about-my-problems Road. Which is something I wasn't going to do again. I think I'm just hoping he'll take a short break from only thinking about himself to wonder what I'm feeling & thinking about - that I'm not telling him. To actually seek out my thoughts just in case he missed something. Just in case there was something I was too scared to tell him face to face.

Though, I have told him most of this stuff. He just can't change. **Red Flag** right?
If he's got to change his ways in order to be with me, that means I'm not the right person for him. Right?

Yeup. Starting to sound right. That's rather upsetting.

Ok. No more emo talk here.

Restless.

2011-05-31T17:28:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel that thing again where I feel restless and out of place in my current city. Feel like I want to pack everything up and move away to a new city. To New York or San Francisco. New Orleans or Seattle. Start over. Find a group of people to connect with. I've been in Southern California too long. I've been here my whole entire life. And I don't think I've ever felt like I truly belonged here. And in my current situation (boyfriend who's job is tied to Los Angeles), I'll probably never, that's NEVER, leave. That notion just feels awful. Awful and unfulfilling.

What do I do?

I want to start school in a few months. I found the perfect program for me here in LA. Do I wait until I'm done with school to move? I'll be almost 30 by that point. I shouldn't wait that long to reach out to new people. I need to feel free. I wish I was single. Like truly single.

Or engaged. Single or engaged. That's weird, huh?

pro/con.

2011-05-05T11:42:00.001-07:00

What do I enjoy about life:
rearranging furniture
organizing
cats
sex
dreaming
cuddling
good music
hats
scarves
knitting/crocheting
helping people talk through their problems
fish tanks
coffee
avocados
plants
the idea of having kids
my smartphone
vegetables
painting

What do I not enjoy about life:
my job
hangovers
hypocrisy
mean/inconsiderate people
driving
dirty house
dirty hands
my mom's insincerity
my slow metabolism
feeling unmotivated
suicidal thoughts
puss
long finger/toe nails
capitalism

Wrote this list a little while ago when I was feeling depressed. Made me feel better.

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more weird dreams.

2011-04-12T10:37:00.001-07:00

My brain was being super strange last night...

Dreamt the boyfriend & his buddy could turn into cats. They went out & picked up these two girl cats to have sex with but it turned out the cat that Nickcat had picked up wad actually a boy cat & he got pissed off. When they all turned back into humans the guy was all weirded out & angry & tried to accuse Nick of raping him, even though nothing happened. Then everyone left our house except me & the kid refused to leave. So I was talking to him, trying to calm him down but he started fighting me so I punched him in the face.

& that was one of my dreams.

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Terrible jokes.

2011-03-07T10:28:00.000-08:00

Giggling uncontrollably at terrible jokes just makes me realize how seldomly I giggle uncontrollably. & since it just feels so awfully good to laugh with someone, when the opportunity presents itself, I'm just gonna keep it going as long as socially acceptable. :)

I'm grumpy today.

2011-02-15T16:26:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I just get sick of people. So I curse between every other word so that they know I'm feeling disdainful.

I feel sorta shitty about that later, though.

I'm feeling really disconnected from myself today. Last night was weird. Really weird... Not going to write about my personal shit.

complication.

2011-02-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

anxiety & depression really shove a wrench in things. I'm having a remarkable amount of trouble figuring out what I actually want.

this sounds familiar & it's not good.

maybe I should get a new tattoo.

yeah, that's healthy.

United States of Pug Mug.

2011-01-26T15:25:00.001-08:00

I started a new blog. I think it's really funny.

http://unitedstatesofpugmug.tumblr.com/

Our folk band.

2011-01-23T16:47:00.000-08:00

Nick's & my folk "band" is called Cute & Paste.

But maybe it should be called Cute & Dysfunctional.

Me vs. The Crazy Possessive Girl.

2011-01-23T16:38:00.000-08:00

It seems I am doomed to forever live with this battle. There will always be some crazy possessive **ahem*cough*cough**... girl.. that I'm "in competition" with for the affection of a desirable man.

It's not really so bad. Because usually, the man is sitting there telling me what a crazy bitch this chick is, & rant fucking rant, it's often communicated to me how much easier & more pleasant I am to deal with. Funny thing is, when I pose the perfectly rational question, "Why don't you just cut it off? Ya know, cuz she's fucking crazy.." the answer is usually something like "well she still wants to fuck me." Yes. That is probably true.

& there's really no way to argue that point. As long as she doesn't give me herpes (or interfere with my relationships in any other way), I suppose it really doesn't matter. So we'll just leave it there.

At least they don't rely on me to provide them with drama. Booyah.

Fuck you dairy.

2011-01-19T17:00:00.000-08:00

Now I remember why I quit eating dairy - acne & fat.

I encourage you all to quit killing ze cows.

Srsly, look how damn cute they are. & remember how terrible their bi-products are for you.

Ok, enough hiding.

2011-01-05T13:26:00.001-08:00

Making this public again. I guess with the meeting new people thing (oh did I fail to mention Nick & I are in an open relationship now? - that question, of course, was directed at the blog, because I don't think I actually have any readers.. ahem.) I was worried one of them would read it & think me a crazy person. & I'd rather they just figured that out over time...

Here's music I've been listening to recently:

All this ness will, most likely, eventually make me nostalgic for this period of my life when I listen to it. Except for Sound Team. That already reminds me of a different time period, I've just been showing it to people recently.

Gawlkywalk & Beans.

2010-10-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

A long time ago Nick & I decided that would be our band name.

This is just a reminder to us to start a band..

Babysitting Memiors.

2010-10-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about something. When I used to get hired to babysit. My mother put me on this list (w/out asking me) that parents in the neighborhood could use if they needed a babysitter. And then, she did almost nothing (or nothing I can recall) to prepare me for it. I was like 12, 13, 14 years old, maybe.

These adults automatically assumed that, as a 13 year old, I knew how to change a diaper, feed a baby, get it to sleep & assert any semblance of control over tiny little rambunctious kids. They walked all over me.

I'm astounded these people left their children with me. Let alone any other 13 year old. Why would you leave your children in the hands of other children??

I know, way back when, the older kids would take care of their younger siblings, but I never really had to. I have 1 little brother who is not that littler than me. I kept getting calls to babysit for families with 2-3 kids. And I was completely unprepared for it.

My mom... left something to be desired, as a parent.. sometimes.

Wenckebach.

2010-09-20T13:16:00.000-07:00

My new baby! Well, she's not really a baby - she's 8 years old. Adopted her from the shelter on Saturday. I love her! She is so sweet & cuddly. In desperate need of a professional washing & grooming but I think she's just wonderful. Kitteh!

2 Year Anniversary with Nicolas!

2010-09-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

Nick & I made it to 2 years! Not that I'm surprised. It actually feels like much longer, but in a good way. :) We took a road trip (Monterey, San Francisco, Portland), ate some great food, heard some amazing music. Was pretty damn fantastic.

Cities.

2010-08-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

Cities I'd like to live in before settling down:
~~1. San Francisco~~
2. New York
3. New Orleans

Cities I will settle in:
1. Los Angeles
2. Seattle

Cities I'd like to live in after kids are grown:
1. Paris
2. Prague
3. Honolulu

Humans are beasts.

2010-08-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

It's very discouraging to read articles about the atrocities our government is imposing on it's own people & other countries' people. Then to have to sit here & try to figure out how to market stupid dating science products?? Or to just see other people in my city be horrible, awful people, yet whatever "God" exists allows them to live happily & without consequence? It makes no sense. So much insanity & cruelty & vapid distractions.

I also don't understand the obsession with prolonging life. People live a lot longer than they should. There are too many of us. We're not meant to live that long. But we don't allow ourselves to die. The government doesn't allow you to die if you want to - assisted suicide is prosecutable, right? Neither do some religions; suicide gets you thrown in Hell.

Not everyone has something positive to offer. Even if you do, what difference does it really make when you're dead? Death should be an accepted part of everyday life, not something to be feared & avoided. Your soul won't know any better when it's gone.

Most of the time people hate each other for no real reason. Where they're from or their beliefs.. I don't like people for being inconsiderate or mean. Trouble is the really nasty ones are the ones who fight you & if they're especially nasty, they tend to win. Because they shank ya. & they keep living, spreading their nastiness.

There obviously is no God. Only beasts.

2 Year Anniversary of Los Angeles Living.

2010-08-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

w00t.

My LA living situation is hugely improved from when I first got out here. I'm also 26 now. In that "mid-late 20's" thing. Or I guess it's still mid-20's. Late 20's is next year. Eek.

Anyhow, I think I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Kitten.

2010-07-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

I miss Pear Bear so much.

He'd be using the litter box & eating solid food by now. Poor little one. I miss his smell & his tiny mew.

Baby Bear died this morning.

2010-06-30T16:26:00.000-07:00

Sigh. I'm trying not to be totally pathetic about this. I'm just going to cry for a little while & then I'll be fine. At least it wasn't Moo or Smokey who died. I really loved that little kitty, though. Poor thing. His digestive system just wasn't developed enough & he couldn't take in enough nutrients to grow. He was about 18 days old.

Pear Bear.

2010-06-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

Teeny Bear has been renamed Pear Bear due to his little pear shape.

On Sunday we dropped him back off with Josie; she offered to take care of him while we're in Seattle for another wedding. Things aren't looking too good though. He's not gaining weight & not eating enough. She said there's nothing to be done except the usual feeding & such. He hasn't gained weight in over a week. He's supposed to be gaining at least 1/4 an ounce a day.

So.. we don't know if he's going to make it. I hope he does. Man, this is a little rough.

Eating = Not Anxious.

2010-06-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

I just had a revelation.

My food intake affects my mood. This may seem obvious to some people, but until now, I never attributed the lack of eating as one of the factors leading to my... less than happy psychological state.

Several years ago I was way more moody & crazy & anxious & manic than I am now. I'm still often all of these things, but it was way worse before. & I realized that for many years, I didn't eat that much. Or at least not nearly as much as I did my sophomore year of high school which is the last time I can remember being overall content with life. Hey, I lost a bunch of weight which made me feel good about my body, but it's hard to appreciate when you hate everything else about life. In there about 3 years ago all I was eating was toast twice a day. For at least a month or two. & I got CRAZY! Crazy anxious & emotional & shit was fucked up.

Dating Nick has gotten me on a more regular (& overall healthier) eating schedule b/c his mood is REALLY affected by lack of food & he's into proper diet. Lately, I've been thinking to myself how much more in control of my emotions I've been these days & how glad I am for it.

I was also thinking that now, when I don't eat, my mood is so much worse b/c I've reprogrammed myself to need more food. Not so, I've realized. I think it was always this bad when I didn't eat. & it was always this bad, all the time, for a long time. I just wasn't feeding myself enough to function properly. I remember when I got down to like 120 pounds, I was emotionally unhinged for the majority of my days.

So there's one relatively easy issue to solve. Eat. Yay.

Teeny Bear.

2010-06-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

Something crazy & amazing happened. On Sunday afternoon Nick went outside to get something from our front yard & he saw a mangy black cat run off & leave a little tiny wriggling baby kitten on our driveway. It was so cute but also really tragic as we just witnessed its abandonment by its mama. Not sure we were able to take on the responsibility of weaning a newborn kitten, we wrapped him in a little towel & left him outside where his mom was & hoped that she would come back to get him. No such luck. We never saw her again. & for about 5 hours or so, I was inside just balling my eyes out.

[Mmmk. The cat part of the story is pretty straightforward. My emotional reaction to the cat story gets rather complicated. I think I'll stick to the cat story first.]

We read that if they still have their umbilical cord (which he did, & for some reason still does after 5 days), they are within 1-3 days old. He was teeny. So small & fragile. He was really clean though, not well fed & dehydrated. They have to be kept warm & fed when they're that young or else they will die.

We were fairly sure he was going to die (actually at this point we thought he was a little baby girl cat). Nick came home & told me I should bring her in so she could die with us. So I collected her & got her warm - then we decided we were going to do everything we could to not let her die. I contacted a Kitten Rescue (volunteer) organization & they didn't offer to take her, they just offered to give me information on how to take care of her. Nick drove all around LA & Long Beach trying to find a place that sold kitten formula at 11:00 at night. He had to drive all the way to Walmart at the Towne Center in Cerritos. Why the hell don't they sell kitten formula at the grocery store?? Anyway, kitty's been (also Nick's been) quite a trooper this whole time.

It was a warm day, but as the sun went down it started to get cold. That's when we went out to get him. Before that I checked on him like every 45 minutes. I'm so glad nothing happened to him while he was out there. We were just hoping & hoping his mama would come back.

We started calling him Teeny Bear. We weren't going to name him until 1) we were sure he was going to live & 2) we know his sex. If he dies on us it will be pretty fucking traumatic. Nick & I both are totally obsessed with our cats. Teeny baby gets dropped on our driveway, we take him in & then he dies? That will be fucking rough. But, neither of us are anticipating this. My contact at the kitten rescue put me in touch with another woman who is an expert kitten bottle-feeder. We met with her on Tuesday night & she was just wonderful. She said kitty was looking pretty good & she let us borrow a bunch of kitty gear that has made life (& feeding & caring for baby) SO much easier. Everyone at the kitten rescue keeps reminding us that even if we do everything right, there's still a chance he could die & that we need to be prepared for that. Ugh. That kills me.

I think Teeny Bear is going to make it. He's got a healthy appetite & I made homemade formula from this recipe that the kitten lady swears by. He's gaining a bit of weight everyday; got a little beer gut. He's really the cutest thing in the world. Eyes aren't even open yet. Not sure his ears are either.

We love him dearly. We weren't expecting to have another kitty so soon. Especially not a newborn. Hell, I've never even seen a newborn kitty in person. It was just heartbreaking seeing him out there all alone. I almost had a complete mental meltdown over this whole thing. (Nick would probably tell you I DID have a complete mental meltdown... but only for about 24 hours.) Now, everything seems like it's going to be ok. We're taking good care of the little one.

One of the first things I thought when we first brought him in: thank Hell I don't have human babies right now. It would be WAY too much for me to handle. This seems like good practice though. It also seems to have stirred up some issues I've had brewing way back in my subconscious...

!!OMG@!!!KITTEN!!!!!! :D

Hello, Highland Park!

2010-04-26T13:11:00.001-07:00

We found a beautiful house to move into in Highland Park. It's fucking amazing. I live with Nick, Devin & Chris - they are all excellent roommates. Nick & I both feel like we've found our ideal LA living situation. :)

Excitement vs. Mania, Part 2.

2010-04-14T16:38:00.000-07:00

I've been having more manic episodes lately. My usual state is that of melancholy, but content w/ long periods of depression thrown in there. This has been a little different. A common thing I've heard is that manic-depressives sometimes will shun their meds b/c it takes away the mania - which tend to be the only episodes of life they enjoy. I don't find myself with the same notion. I don't like being manic b/c I feel out of control. Kinda the same principle behind why I don't like doing drugs. I hate being out of control or myself. & when I come down, I always feel terrible & maybe embarrassed for whatever ass I made of myself during my manic phase.

Some people I know, are used to relishing in their manic episode. It's where they feel alive & without care or consideration for much other than themselves. & I've seen (& felt myself) that that's a really hard habit to break. B/c while you're in it, you don't really want to break it..

Also, my old therapist told me I should embrace my anxiety instead of fight it. Fighting it always makes it worse. Fighting the mania off is not necessarily the best thing to do. Completely giving into it can be disastrous as well.

Frak. Whatever.

Excitement vs. Mania.

2010-04-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

Whenever I get excited about something I tend to completely emotionally attach myself to said thing & all practicality flies out the window. Wtf is that? It's rough when it doesn't work out.

But fucking awesome when it does. :)

Examples:
new house. new cat. new boy. vintage Herman Miller chair on Etsy. all other awesome vintage crap on Etsy. cute shoes I don't need. nutella.

I fired my psychiatrist.

2010-04-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

Because she was full of it.

In the meantime, I recently came across this site, PsychCentral & their Twitter account: @psychcentral

They've been around for like 15 years but I hadn't heard of it before. Lots of good information on all things psychology-related.

I've been enjoying their blogs: http://blogs.psychcentral.com
Many different contributors. All sorts of topics. & for the most part, they read in a way that's not overly scientific or condescending.

It's in no way a substitute for therapy, which I'm actively seeking again, but it's great if I just need something to read. Something to read that's not melting my brain. I actually think it would be kinda neat to contribute to it eventually.

Thoughts on moving.

2010-03-29T12:48:00.001-07:00

New house hunting can be really fun until you find your perfect place & have to miss out on it b/c of some silly reason. Options are open though.

& I like the idea of throwing lots of accumulated shit away. & redecorating.

As long as I don't end up with any more psychotic or hopelessly dirty roommates, things will be a-ok.

Veg, veg, veg.

2010-03-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago my grandpa gave Nick a book - The China Study: the most comprehensive study of nutrition ever conducted and the startling implications for diet, weight loss and long-term health.

Since he started reading it, we've become "at home vegetarians" = we only eat meat if it's at a restaurant (& we've the desire to consume it). At home, we eat it verrry rarely, if at all. So far it's been going great. I've lost a little weight & haven't really had to deal with that bloated feeling. Overall I've just felt lighter. It's been nice. Although, I did get sick for almost 3 weeks & am still fighting it off. Could be related to the diet change.. but maybe not. Everyone seemed to get sick this month.

Anyway. For the first time in months, a couple nights ago, I was having mad burger cravings. Guess I was getting really low on the protein/iron. So, against our better judgment, we took a midnight ride to In-n-Out. The plain double-double tasted absolutely amazing that night...

.. the next morning, I felt like I had a hangover. It was strange. Headachey, tired, dehydrated.. Exactly as if I'd been drinking a lot the night before. The worst thing was the smell coming out of my pores. Not like it was very strong, but I could smell it. & I could smell it on Nick too. Whatever nasty shit was in that burger was now seeping out through my skin. Yuck. (I've actually noticed I've smelled a little nicer overall since we stopped eating meat.) After that, I haven't any plans to go near another burger I didn't make myself. I can't even imagine what people are thinking when they eat that shit on a regular basis..

Now, we're not going full veg. We both still believe that people are supposed to eat some meat throughout their lives. We're just drastically cutting down the frequency. & as much as we love cute little animals & don't want to see them suffer, we're not doing it for them. We're doing it for our health. Shouldn't that be the incentive behind becoming a vegetarian or vegan? Your own fucking health. (yes yes, I know it is for many, but more often I hear of people going vegan (+ ranting about it) to save the animals) & of course, less demand for meat = reduction in animal slaughter & abuse. Problem solved.

Soo, this is my suggestion. It worked for me.

(If anyone's wondering & doesn't want to read it, the studies described in this book pretty much conclude that animal product consumption vastly increases your risk of developing cancers & all sorts of other ailments. Fun fun fun.)

MySpace is like a 2007 time capsule.

2010-03-23T02:28:00.000-07:00

I was just looking back at the photos I have posted on my MySpace page. Something I rarely visit.. for several months, 3 years ago, I was having a pretty good time. I think it was when I was living on my own in Costa Mesa. I'd finally cut ties with Steve. I was hanging out in Long Beach a lot with Jeff & crew. Going to 'Call Sick on Friday' at Que Sera. Also was the start of my final relationship with Ryan & new/re-newed friendships with Brenan, Niyaz, Chris & other people from our high school marching band & such. I was hanging out with Sarah a lot more since we lived closer to each other.

Up until I got my heart thrashed again, I was pretty happy. Going out, enjoying life. Enjoying people.

Then my torrid affair with Los Angeles began... skip to the part when I moved up here a year & 8 months ago.. blah blah.. met Nick.. now we're here.

..By now I've forgotten the point in writing this post. I guess I was just reminded of.. happier? more social? more connected times? More distracted times perhaps. I had friends around to distract me from my depression. So I thought I was enjoying life more.

I have more to say about this but to be honest, I just want to shut my laptop & stop thinking about it now.

New York!

2010-02-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

I finally took a vacation vacation. Not a holiday/wedding/trip with a purpose vacation. It was wonderful & I decided I'm not going to spell it all out in a blog. I did take a bunch of photos though. :)

Cleanse Day 9, 10 & 11.

2010-02-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

Day 9, 10 & 11.

They were all last week. So I don't really remember. I ate like a small meal each day. Went to the gym all 3 days. Lost about 5 pounds. (& probably already gained a few back since we did a fair amount of good eating in New York) Not as much as I was hoping for but that's probably b/c I didn't give up food entirely. Or something. Anyway, not that concerned. I'm just gonna keep up the working out & healthy eating. Booyah.

Cleanse Day 6, 7 & 8.

2010-02-08T11:44:00.000-08:00

Day 6:
Saturday was pretty busy. We got to the gym to play a few rounds of squash but, unfortunately, I'd forgotten to drink my lemonade before we went so I was left completely w/out any energy. When we got back home I finished Friday's second half of the lemonade batch. Felt a little better but was particularly hungry this day. I ate a brownie Think Thin bar (they have no sugar). Then we were off to The Edison in Downtown LA for Megen's birthday party. It was fun - but would've been more fun if I was able to eat & drink. There was so much yummy looking food around, I must admit, I had to try pretty hard to keep from being a total grumper. I almost gave in about 6 times, but never did. When I got home, though, I happily indulged in a sliced banana dipped in a little bit of Nutella. Looove Nutella. omg.

Day 7:
By Sunday, I'd lost about 5 pounds. Ate some more solid food. Nuts, grapes, heirloom cherry tomatoes, Think Thin bar, a couple bites of manchego cheese. Plus a full batch of lemonade. Nick & I played squash again - had a pretty intense hour. 6 games. We each won 3. Not bad at all. Other than being a little on the sleepy side, felt pretty good all day. Meant to get more cleaning/laundry done before bed but my electric blanket proved to be much more inviting. Also, I realized I'd forgotten to take my Wellbutrin pretty much all week... but I've felt quite good considering. The exercise really helps. I went 5 out of 7 days last week!!! :D

Day 8:
Feeling pretty good. A little tired. Ate some yogurt for breakfast but I'm going to continue drinking the lemonade until I run out of lemons. Going to keep the solid food down to a minimum & keep up with the gym. The thing I've been craving the most are eggs. Either poached eggs w/ asparagus or 'eggs in a poke.' (I am actually kinda mad at Nick - he made himself 'eggs in a poke' last night, after I told him I was craving it, but he didn't tell me or offer me any. Or, I dunno, ask me if I would be upset at all if he made the food I was craving for himself but not for me... I know it's silly, but I'm still bitter about it...)

Overall, I've been feeling pretty good since I got on this thing. The week went by pretty fast. I've lost a few pounds; my pants fit better. It helped me get into a good exercise routine & helped me sorta re-set my eating habits.

...later. I'm over the eggs in a poke thing. Being hungry can really affect you emotionally... anyway. We're going to New York on Friday!! I can't wait. I'm so excited.

Cleanse Day 4 & 5.

2010-02-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

Day 4:
Did pretty well. Day-dreamed about food a lot. I found that I wanted to chew on something more than I wanted to actually eat something. I opted for 2 almonds in the evening. Decided not to go to the gym to give my body a rest. Did some more reading about the cleanse & such. I guess, you're supposed to be shitting out big black gobs of nasty crap & toxins that have been building up in your intestines...? Well, I haven't been doing that. I think I'm actually pretty healthy in that regard. I'm not going to go into all the details of my BM's, but it's nothing like these other people said they've experienced. I drink the salt water nonsense at night but it doesn't really do anything... Wasn't as hungry on Day 4.

Day 5:
I'm hungry. I want food. Tried to quell my desire by searching "food porn" on Flickr. Looking at other people's delicious meals helped a little bit. I think I actually miss the taste of food more than my belly is wanting me to eat. I would kill for some poached eggs & grilled vegetables. & some Yogurtland. Going to run for 30 minutes after work, then I'm off to the Wild Up performance in Echo Park. Nick is recording the show. Should be awesome. I'm going to try not to cheat. I bought a couple of those "Think Thin" bars from Whole Foods yesterday. I may have to cheat w/ one of those tonight...

Cleanse Day 1, 2 & 3.

2010-02-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

I hate not eating. I like eating. I like it a lot. I think this will give me a new appreciation for food. Anyway.

Day 1:
Ate no food. Wasn't too bitchy or anything. Mostly just sad when other people talked about food. Or when I saw something about food on the internet. Or in a movie. I ended up day dreaming about peanutbutter & banana sandwiches for a good part of the evening. Nick & I went to the gym & played squash for an hour. Got a great workout. He barely beat me 3-2 (games to 10).

Day 2:
Cheated a teeny bit. Ate 1 mini-bite-sized butterfinger (from work) and a small handful of unsalted peanuts & raw cashews. I had to eat something. I was too sad about missing food & I'm sure neither of those tiny amounts will hinder my "cleansing"

Day 3:
Cheated a teeny bit again. Had another (1) candy from work in the middle of the day. I needed something! I swear to good I felt a little drunk as the sugar touched my lips. Then, just now, I ate a tomato. That's gonna be all the cheating for today. Still, surprisingly, not bitchy. Just tired & calm. Going to go to the gym again to treadmill it for about 45 minutes. Then, I dunno, read or something. I've had to keep myself busy/distracted so that I don't become tempted to scarf down a sandwich or something.

Ugh. I can't wait until this is over. I'm hungry. My plan is to stick it out until my supply of lemons runs out (will probably be Day #6) then eat very small healthy portions until we go to NY. Then I'll eat normally (which still is pretty healthy) & keep up the exercise & I think I'll be happy with whatever results of that. Yeah...

...later. I cheated again. I ate an apple. I don't feel bad about it though. I got a good workout in & I was just going to hurt all night if I didn't eat something. Honestly, I don't really give a shit about the whole 'cleansing' part. I'd actually like to keep all (or most) of the good bacteria that lives in my intestines. I think eating a little bit per day will do me better than nothing at all.

Happy February.

2010-02-01T10:47:00.000-08:00

Been awhile. Hadn't posted b/c I was dealing with being depressed & then depressed AND totally numb b/c I started taking Zoloft. & just like the other SSRIs that I took in the past, it made things worse, not better. All I felt was numb & when I wasn't feeling numb I was feeling a tad on the suicidal side. That was a sure sign it was time to get off it. & I've been feeling much better since. Nick & I also came up with a plan for healthier living. It includes the gym at least 4 days a week & eating less meat, more vegetables, less sugar, no food after 9 PM. Less movie/TV(Hulu) watching & more reading/doing crafty things. I'm also going to try to start writing down my dreams as much as I can remember. They are crazy & interesting. Nick suggested I try & write short stories based on them. I think that might be a great way for me to get my creativity going. & it's easier b/c the dreams give me a place to start.

I've also been depressed b/c of my weight gain. & my weight gain was due to the reduction of my thyroid medication. The Armour Thyroid (essentially powdered pig thyroid glad: the only med that keeps my metabolism up) manufacturer was forced to stop production by the FDA. They say the med hasn't been properly tested. The damn thing has been helping people solve this issue for over 100 years. & NOW they decide they need to test it. They're fucking millions of people over. They're fucking our metabolisms. I get pretty pissed about it. Anyway, I've ended up with an extra 15 pounds on me that feels like it shouldn't be there. & that is depressing. Clothes don't fit. I feel weighted down & heavy. I don't want to have sex b/c I don't feel sexy. Not fun.

I've got a solution though. I'm a little embarrassed to say, but I've decided to try the Master Cleanse. Probably for about 6 days, then eat as little as possible for the next week. Ugh. Not the healthiest way to do this (starving yourself), I know, but I think that if I just get my weight down, I'll be able to keep it down w/ healthy diet & exercise. This was my last resort. But it'll be a good test of my self-discipline...

The main incentive behind it all: Nick & I are taking a trip to New York over the Valentine's Day weekend. I've never been. Always wanted to. We had these Southwest vouchers that had to be used by March, so this was a great opportunity to do this. I want to have a great time. I don't want to be all depressed & anxious about my weight & what I look like. It needs to be a wonderful, calm trip for both of us.

So, that's all I've got for now.

Turtle-dog.

2009-12-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

My blog is boring. Totally boring. But I'm gonna write about this really weird dream I had anyhow..

I dreamt I had a turtle-dog. It was half turtle, half dog. Pretty much looked like a Lhasa Apso with a turtle shell & green plates on it's chest. Was creepy as hell. We had it because our dog mated with our pet sea turtle... then it gets worse. In the dream, I also had a sister (which I don't in real life) who decided she wanted to make a turtle-human. So she tried to have sex with the sea turtle. It was horrifying.

WHy why why was this floating around in my subconscious?? I have no fucking clue. I woke up feeling quite disturbed.. Maybe this is something I should've kept to myself...?

Another post about my cats.

2009-12-23T12:30:00.000-08:00

Almost every morning I wake up flanked by kitties. They're on either side of my legs, in between them (which is most typical), one's by my face, the other one sleeping on top of my butt.. Sometimes I wake up with one on my chest. Then wake up 3 hours later, still with one on my chest. Then wake up another hour later, still with one on my chest & her paw on my face. Smokey's the only one that kneads. Kneads your belly, kneads your back, kneads the comforter. Moo doesn't - I think because she didn't get to hang around her mama for very long before she was rescued from the wild. When Nick is gone they are especially clingy. When Nick is here, sometimes I wake up & can't move at all b/c I've got one kitty between my legs, one kitty leaning up against my chest & one really big kitty spooning me from behind. Talk about feeling loved first thing when you wake up... :)

Anyway, enough gross mushy stuff. It's been a busy couple weeks. Got all my Christmas shopping done really early (all online!), got to see Against Me! play at Spaceland - which was just awesome, wore my tiny Xmas Dinosaur sweater to Sweaterfest at the El Rey - had a great local lineup: Deadly Syndrome, Pity Party & Castledoor.
Before that, I got to hang out backstage with Nick for a super long charity show at Echoplex featuring: Black Francis, The Pixies, Ok Go, Tenacious D, Weird Al, David J (from Bauhaus), The 88, She Wants Revenge, Flea, and several others. It was pretty amazing. Frank Black joined each group for a song or two. Lots of Pixies covers. The show finale was supposed to be Jack Black, Flea & The Pixies singing "Helter Skelter," which I think would've been amazing... but they didn't do it. Supposedly everyone was too tired & Jack Black took off early. Oh well.
Oh, and even before that, Nick & I met up with Greg, Tracey & Chris at this art gallery Downtown where G's band was playing a show. There were some great openers: Voxhaul Broadcast, Love Grenades, Restavrant - but I STILL have yet to see Greg's band! They weren't going on until like 2 AM & we had to get home :(

So... that's me trying to increase my social life. In small, anxiety-ridden steps.

I'm really quite over this job of mine. I mean, it's great & all in comparison to almost any other office job - but I'm becoming jaded. Can't wait to go back to school. Really, I think it'll be great for me. Thinking Antioch or Pepperdine will be where I end up.

Nick bought Left 4 Dead for Xbox... suddenly, I'm actually good at video games. Or at least this video game. I think I've spent more time playing this than any other, which still isn't that much by comparison to a lot of people, but for me it's a lot. Played thru the whole thing on the easiest level. Then the whole thing on the 'normal' level - surprised I even wanted to do this. Now that I've gotten used to Xbox controllers, I felt totally handicapped when I went back to try & play Goldeneye & Gauntlet Legends for N64. Kinda depressing. Kinda ridiculous. What is that?? Next up: Gears of War. I was totally retarded the first time I tried to play w/ Nick. Maybe now it'll be better. Also, must revisit Doom 3.

I'm still trying to decide if I was better off w/out this affinity for Xbox. It's not like it's taking over my life or anything. I never play more than an hour, if that, every few days. I always sorta thought I was healthier for not being into video games...

I found the greatest teal nail polish at Sally's last week. Love it.

I am emotionally unavailable.

2009-12-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

This is why I have such a hard time making friends. & connecting to people, period. I'm distant & weird & become so worried that I'm going to make the other person uncomfortable that I get really anxious & make it all worse.

Something I'm working on.

Tumblr Blog.

2009-11-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

So, I think I've decided to move to Tumblr... or we'll at least test it out.

http://sharksloveasparagus.tumblr.com/

The Shield is amazing.

2009-11-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

The FX show, that is. Over the last couple months Nick & I have been watching the series from start to finish (well, almost finished, still have Season 7 to go). I remember when it was on originally but never watched it & never had any interest in it. Then I met Nick who had the whole series & thought it was fantastic. I didn't believe him. Even after seeing a couple random episodes while he watched thru Season 6 & 7 last year, I didn't get it. Then he decided to start from the beginning... then I saw a little more... now I'm hooked. It's so good. I was surprised. I knew it was about a dirty cop & all, but I didn't expect it to be so compelling..

Why am I writing a post about The Shield? I was thinking about writing a post about the kinds of things I am interested in, b/c from my last post about shows I've recently gone to, I realized writing about shows I've recently gone to is not really that interesting to me. Then I decided a post about what kinds of things interest me w/out really going into anything that really interests me, was also stupid. So, I'm writing about The Shield b/c currently, that is what has been holding my attention for some time now. I'm sure I've been spending way too much time watching it, but I've been pretty depressed & laying in bed watching an intense, engaging TV show makes me feel better. Even though it might not be the healthiest of practices.. I'm pretty sure I'll feel a little refreshed once it's all over & out of my system. Besides, it's not like I watch TV on a regular basis. Don't even have basic cable. Sometimes use Hulu, but only for Family Guy & Castle & occasionally, Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

Anyway, I was telling my mom about it, which was kind of ridiculous b/c I had to follow, "it's so good. really well done." with "but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it. it's really intense & graphic sometimes." What a buzz kill. She thinks CSI is too gory. Hrumph.

So. This is my recommendation. Watch The Shield but start from the beginning! I just signed up on NeighboorGoods.com. I'll see if Nick will let me loan out his DVDs. Along with a bunch of other crap we've accumulated. w00t.

Recent shows.

2009-11-11T11:00:00.000-08:00

The Deadly Syndrome @ El Rey

They're awesome live. Really fun. The singer had a nice delay on his vocals so they sounded pretty & smooth (thanks recoding engineer boyfriend) in addition to him having a naturally good singing voice. Not surprisingly, they played "I Hope I Become A Ghost" especially well. Overall, we were impressed. Definitely glad we decided to go at the last minute. Follow them on Twitter: @deadlysyndrome

Buddy & Choir of Young Believers @ Spaceland

Was more impressed with Buddy (top photo) than COYB (bottom photo), who everyone who was there, was there to see. Both were really solid, solid Indie bands. Pleasant to listen to. Reminiscent of Death Cab. I didn't expect to enjoy it so much. I'd never heard of either band before - the only reason I went was because Nick was recording the show. I imagine most of the crowd was just kind of there by chance..

Andy Clockwise @ Spaceland / The Mint

Seen Andy & Co. about half a dozen times - Spaceland Recordings was working on their live record/DVD. Their all from New Zealand. Andy's always fun to watch. Hops into the crowd & sings in yer face. Stella, his drummer, is AMAZING. Fucking blows me away. Blows everyone away. See them if you have a chance.

NIN (soundcheck) @ Echoplex

Ok, so I wasn't cool enough to go to the actual show, but I did, at one point, find myself 3 feet from Trent, which made me feel pretty silly & giddy. Nick & I got to hang out for a little while, but NIN's security is a well oiled machine so we left when we started to get those suspicious looks. Apparently, The Echo no longer belongs to its owners when big artists are booked. Oh well, I still got to see & hear a little bit.

Kaile Goh @ Knitting Factory

My roommate & good friend, Devin, plays drums & produces the adorable & talented Kaile. She's only 14 but writes her own songs & plays rhythm guitar. She's got sort of a pop-punk thing going on. Reminds me a bit of Paramore. Even though she's not even old enough to hang out in the House of Blues, Sunset, she just played there last week with some big-wigs. They're trying to make her the next big thing..

Crazy Magnet.

2009-11-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

I seem to be one.

Priorities. Are they straight?

2009-10-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

Probably not.

Humans really are terrible beasts. Selfish, terrible, murdering beasts. But I suppose we're meant to be this way.

I wish I was a cat.

Or, I feel like I need to adjust my priorities. B/c it's not like I'll transform into a cat anytime soon.

You're not supposed to start a sentence with "but" or "because"

Monster of the deep: Giant 'Jaws' savages great white shark

2009-10-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/10/27/monster-of-the-deep-giant-jaws-savages-great-white-shark-115875-21777678/

Near the coast of Australia, an assumed to be 20ft shark took a couple large bites out of a 10ft Great White Shark. That's a big fucking shark. Not something I'd hope to ever run into, but it's still pretty fantastic that a creature like this exists.

Asparagus.

2009-10-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

If you want to eat asparagus, I suggest stir frying it, not steaming it. Steaming takes out all the nutrients & makes it all limp & gimpy. Stir fry it in a little bit of butter & make sure you don't do it for too long, or again, it will get limp.

Wait for it to be a little bit golden brown all around, but not completely. Keep an eye on it & shake your pan every couple minutes to roll them around. You want it to still have a little green so it's still a bit crunchy. Finish with a teeny bit of salt once you've already taken it off the fire. Don't salt it while it's still frying - it'll dry out.

Also, let it cool for a couple seconds before you eat it - it retains a lot of heat, but don't let it get cold.

The Dead Shark.

2009-10-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

If I was going to write a movie (erm, sorry, screenplay) I would probably title it "The Dead Shark." Because it would probably center around some fucked up relationship.

Anyway.

I'm having a very restless evening. My house is a complete mess (through, not much, fault of my own) & I really don't have anyone in LA that I can just call up & hang out with.. So, I'm blogging alone at an uber trendy cafe on a Friday night. Here's where the fun never ends. I started this post - got as far as the title & first couple lines there a long time ago. Now seems like a good time to finish it...

I bought a pack of Parliament Lights tonight. My coworkers smoke & I've recently been included in their little smoke break powwows & found I was having little cravings. Needless to say, that first drag was AMAZING. I will limit myself to smoking very rarely & hiding my pack from my boyfriend..

Now, back to sharks. My dead shark, my ex-boyfriend, is being more like a taxidermied asshole lingering on the top of the bureau in the dining room you never go into as of late. He keeps contacting me. Sometimes it's benign, sometimes it reverts back to the horribleness that was our relationship 3 years ago. & that is supremely scary. This is the last thing he said to me (via text):

Him: "You know did you ever think about what experience I would gain in life that would teach me about who you were in retrospect? Wow I'm glad I'm not 3 years devoted."

I asked: "Elaborate?"

Him: "You were vengeful without enough consideration for someone who you willfully fell in love with. You're a mean person who projected into an open book. YOU are Bukowski. Not me. We knew it and admitted it before. And to have more relationships without growing up and finding yourself first before contributing to another screwed relationship means nothing but lonely desperation. You... are a soft silent bully. I'm just a loud one. BTW, still love ya. Always will."

To which I (foolishly) replied: "Are you kidding? You're quite mistaken. You don't know me. You only know the damaged person I became b/c of your abuse. I worked really hard to better myself."

Him: "You were damaged before. Quit blaming people. Dude you called me a sociopath and that FUCKED.. ME... UP. Would a sociopath give a shit? No. YOU were the manipulator. You were careless. Don't blame me for your twisted family. I never blamed you for mine. Oh and I found the records. They're happier here. Foo. I'm tired of blaming myself because you blamed me. That's it. See ya."

I'm not sure why I'm posting about this. Maybe I just find it sorta interesting b/c it's a tad unnerving. After reading that, for a minute, I started questioning myself again - something he got me to do while we were together. It was so weird feeling because it was so foreign. I don't have that at all with Nick. Even when I get pissed at him for something, it's never about anything too serious & it always makes me really grateful when I remember what my life used to be like. Used to be like. Can't even fathom where I'd be if I was still with the ex.

So, how do I make this discussion useful to other women out there w/out sounding like a cliche or something..? Anyone who really knows me knows that those words up there are bullshit.. So you must be aware, just be aware of yourself. Make sure you put yourself in different situations with different types of men to find out what you're really like in a relationship. My relationship with this ex was the only relationship I've ever had of that nature. So, that tells me, that is not the norm for me. Although, while I was with him, for a time, he honestly had me believing all those terrible things he was saying about me. That was scary.

For awhile... a long while... yes, I was desperate & lonely & wanted attention so I fucked a lot of guys & fell hard knowing I'd never get to be with them. Broke that habit now, but then, that was my norm. & my relationship with those guys never took on the abusive nature that that one relationship did.

Also, I told him I thought he was a sociopath, because that's what I actually think. If he read the definition of a sociopath he wouldn't be silly enough to ask me questions like "would a sociopath care?" funny.

Also, why did I get compared to Charles Bukowski? & why did he tell me he still loves me? Was that supposed to make me feel guilty? Or remind me that, even though I'm so mean & horrible, HE still loves me. Because no one else ever could. That was the message that was pounded into my brain for 3 years. No one else but him could ever love me because HE was just the right amount of fucked up to love me. No one else would ever tolerate me. This is what I believed. It was deep down & it was painful. So how do you explain my current situation? MAGIC!! w00t! I must be living in the land of flying puppies & unicorns to have this amazing man (called Nick) be in love with me. :)

That relationship was huge in determining who I am now. I sometimes wonder (even though it's silly to do so) where I'd be if I hadn't gone through that. Would I still be super naive? I was. Totally was. Well, I certainly came out of it more self-aware than I ever was before.

& what has my enhanced awareness given me? --> I am a social retard. I've always been. Born that way. I've said some dumb fucking shit in my day & I have a really hard time making friends. This is something I'm working on. Go awareness.

So women, don't believe everything that dude tells you. & definitely don't ever trust a guy who calls you "foo."

1 Year Anniversary of Nicolas loving.

2009-09-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a year since I met up for tea at Karma Coffeehouse in Hollywood with a total stranger from the internet (okcupid to be exact).

I'm very happy I didn't freak out & bail on him :)

This kid right here, is the love of my life.

Happy Anniversary, Bud.

Music Nostalgia.

2009-08-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

You have those songs you hear & this weird, warm, gushy, angsty sensation flows through you. (Most of the time the feeling is also associated with a man.)

Here's a fun meme for me.. (seasons are based on the fiscal year)

Songs that remind me of Summer 2002:
Only in Dreams, Weezer
Long Nights, Piebald
Domino Effect, Ozma

Songs that remind me of Winter 2004:
Bandages, Hot Hot Heat
We Laugh Indoors, Death Cab for Cutie

Songs that remind me of Fall 2004:
Fit But You Know It, The Streets
Smart Went Crazy, Atmosphere

Songs that remind me of Winter 2007:
Sawdust & Diamonds, Joanna Newsom

Songs that remind me of Spring 2007:
You're Gonna Miss Me, 13th Floor Elevators
Just Like My Father, Violent Femmes

Songs that remind me of Fall 2007:
Gone Daddy Gone, Violent Femmes

Songs that remind me of Winter 2008:
1234, Feist
Underdog, Spoon
Shattered Glass, Sound Team
Charity Case, Gnarls Barkley

Songs that remind me of Fall 2008/Winter 2009:
Manner to Act, Ra Ra Riot
Sleephead, Passion Pit
Old-fashioned, Frightened Rabbit
To Lose My Life, White Lies

Songs that remind me of Spring 2009:
Dry the Rain, Beta Band
All I Need, Radiohead

mmk, that's all I got for now.

Is summer already over?

2009-08-20T12:52:00.001-07:00

WTF.

1 Year Anniversary of Los Angeles Living.

2009-08-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

I've been in LA for a year now! Stuff has been pretty damn good, if not the best it's ever been for me, since I got up here. (photo is from the day before I moved, for the Flickr 888 pool)

When I got up here, I didn't expect to be in the place I am now. Hell, I don't think I had many expectations at all... So what's changed?

1. My hair color. It's actually almost natural now. At least the top 5 inches are my roots. It was red w/ a bleach streak a year ago. I've wanted to dye/bleach it probably 14 times but managed to fend off my fleeting inclinations.
2. Instance of crazy people. Instance of crazy people was really high a year-6 months ago. Now, not nearly so much.
3. OCD habits. Some, I've curbed a lot, like hoarding random crap & picking at blemishes on my face. Others, like constantly washing my hands (& making my bf do the same) are in full force.
4. Posture. Infinitely better posture thanks to the support (nagging) of the bf. I spent sooo much time hunched over I never knew I could avoid looking like an odd, lanky bird if I just stood up straight.
5. Alcohol use. Hey hey now. My days of getting shitfaced & making an ass of myself have been over for awhile now! It's glorious. & I feel a lot healthier.
6. Moobear. My cat is a lot happier. She has a lot of space to run around (& hide). A year ago she was stuffed in my friend's (use the term "friend" lightly) closet for months on end (something I did not know until I picked her up) .
7. Le OC. Oh, right, I got the fuck out of Orange County. The only sucky part is that all my friends are still down there & I rarely get to see them.
8. Poundage. I gained like 10 pounds & haven't been able to shake em off. Has something to do with going off the sugar diet, eating more natural foods, cooking with butter instead of margarine, being happy with a bf.. mostly it's just my body adjusting to my drastically changed diet (which previously catered to my carboholicism & desperation to find a male companion). Nick & I are exercising together now to counter the butter.

There's a bunch of other stuff I could talk about but I'm too tired right now & it probably wouldn't interest you anyway. :)

Blogger, out.

Birthday Updates.

2009-08-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

So, last year I set some goals to be done before my 24th birthday. Since I didn't make any this year, I thought I might see if I got any of last year's done that were left incomplete...

1. Check. Still have my new job. Still working out.
2. Well, I'm no longer interested in my OWN apt, but I do now live in a great house with great roommates.
3. Working on it. Took the GRE review course & working towards getting some psych-ish volunteer experience.
4. Yes! Took a few actually to Seattle & SF. All were quite wonderful.
5. Well, it's not WAY underway, but somewhat underway. I have my sewing station set up & I've started sewing stuffs. Plus I have a ton of new fabric I'm excited about.
6. YES! I have an amazing boyfriend.
7. The bf isn't so hot on me getting new tattoos so I might just give this one up.
8. Ha. This is gonna take some work. We try to play squash &/or swim at least 3 times a week. Getting there... I'm currently about 12 lbs. away from that goal.
9. I definitely don't hate life.
10. Had a 25th birthday party! It was a small, dorky shindig but it was fun for sure.

Overall, a pretty satisfying outcome. :)

Shark Week starts on my birthday!

2009-07-31T10:59:00.000-07:00

The start of The Discovery Channel's ever popular (& badass) Shark Week happens to coincide this year with my 25th birthday. Too bad I don't have cable... but it looks like there's a bunch of fun stuff on their website.

http://www.discovery.com/sharkweek

Once again, I toldja my blog title would somehow become relevant. :)

Shark!

2009-07-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

Thanks http://www.nataliedee.com/

Update! Update!

2009-07-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

Things are good. Real good.

I moved into a big house (still in Hollywood) with Nick, Devin & Kim. Our 2 bears, Moo & Smokey are joined by Baxter the chihuahua. Work is good. Doing more marketing & social network stuff which is way more fun than listening to crazy men yell at you over the phone because they lost their passwords. I'm preparing for the GRE & applying to grad school. Got my SNES set up = been playing a lot of Donkey Kong Country & eating dairy free ice cream with Nick. Oh & my 25th birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. Think we're going to have a party at the house which should be great. :)

Ok, enough about me. I need to blog more about other stuffs. I'm gettin there... got like 4 half-done posts on deck...

Weird memory.

2009-05-22T14:02:00.001-07:00

So I've been having a bit of an odd week. I think I've been so tired I end up having that weird out of body feeling where I feel like I'm viewing everything objectively. (Contributing to this, possibly, is the fact that one of my new roommates is a Schizophrenic. But I'm not going to go into that here. If you know me well & are aware of my fascination w/ psychology, you can imagine how that's affecting me. Not sure I'm faring well...) Anyway.

Been thinking a lot about people's energy & how they think & work & all that crap & I randomly remembered this weird experience I had about 6 years ago. I was at the mall, heading down this long hall to the bathroom. This was a low period in my life - I was massively depressed & cutting myself. I was wearing arm-warmers or a sweater or something over my arms to cover them, but as I was going down the hall, this very colorfully dressed old woman, followed by an older man, moved swiftly up the hall towards me & when she passed me she looked me dead in the eye & said "oh, you hurt yourself," in a really concerned tone. Then kept walking right past me. It was weird. Really weird. I stopped to turn around & ask her to clarify, but just watched her walk off back into the mall. That interaction coupled with the fact that I was 1) in a mall, 2) have crazy social anxiety = I was way up in my head at the time so the whole thing really rattled me.

There was no one else in the hall so she had to be talking to me. I don't really know what it all meant, but I felt like she read me so thoroughly in those 2 seconds it almost felt like a violation. Or maybe she was just the only person to comment on my obvious issue. Even though she was a total stranger. It was some weird shit, man.

It's one of the few really vivid memories that I have. It's always left me with a unsettled feeling. (p.s. sorry for using the word "weird" so often in this entry)

My favorite Etsy sellers.

2009-05-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a huge lover of Etsy & a major supporter of all things crafty (& vintage). God, I love it. Feel like I've been spending $ left & right on this site, but I don't feel bad about it because the people I'm buying for put a lot of love into what they do & in doing so, make me more stylish. So there. :D

Here are my favorite Etsy sellers:

Heather at PetitOiseau. Almost don't want to tell you about this one b/c I love her jewelry so much & I want to have first dibs! But I'd rather be supportive & help her business.

Mary at Marywibis & her simplistic yet beautiful hand-painted wine glasses.

ilovegreyskies mook creatures - esp love the anatomical mook

Hopevenessa is my wonderful cousin, Venessa. All her proceeds go towards funding her way to Calcutta, India where she'll serve at the Sisters of Charity.

Maryjarvis makes absolutely amazing glass beads. I have no idea how she does it.

Angie at iheartnorwegianwood makes ridiculously cool fringe necklaces. I want one really bad.

Tonsyn got this awwesome knit hat, she calls "Undulation"
<--- pictured

BrokenFingersArt makes handmade colorful ink on plastic jewelry.

Ashley at Fernanimals sewed these adorable little bearded & hooded woodland creatures. I have one of my own. So cute!

Mindpandacharms sells polymer clay charms. Totally love it, my friend & I used to use it too.

More to come....

Support the craftiness!
<3

Ambitious.

2009-05-15T12:00:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to figure out when all my ambitions were broken.

What happened to them.
What happened to wanting to be a Lion Tamer? Or a psychologist?
What the fuck happened!? Somewhere along the line I got really discouraged & crawled up inside my head & started feeling really helpless & inadequate. Maybe it was just puberty? Something caused me to take a turn for the depressed & I'm going to figure out what it was.

In the meantime. I'm just going to try my best to get settled (in the new house next month) and take my thyroid medications & all this herbal crap that Nick & I bought that's supposed to be good for you. & maybe start back on anti-depressants. Also, been considering the idea that I might have ADD - Nick has it & suggested it in response to my list of symptoms (& he would know). However, the inability to concentrate is also a sign of a hypo-active thyroid, which I've been treated for since I was 10 - but if that's all it is, why am I still not able to concentrate after 14 years of treatment? Hrmph.

I feel like I just need something to wake me up. I'm really low energy for 90% of my day. I want to wake the fuck up. Do creative things in my spare time instead of nap. I know I'm capable of a lot, I just haven't had the energy for over half my life. It sounds like an excuse - it is really. But I'm talking about it now so that I have to stop ignoring it.

So there. I'm gonna fix this shitz.

New Poll.

2009-05-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

Allow me to explain my poll. I am curious, is there any correlation between the bigger boob (c'mon, you know they're not exactly the same) and your dominant hand (left or right)?
I suppose this question could be posed to both men & women. Anyone care to share?

P.S. I am right handed & my left boob is noticeably bigger than the other (if you're lookin at it).

F*ck Chris Pine.

2009-05-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, although Chris is devastatingly good looking, my Captain Kirk love will always have to lie with one, William Shatner. He's dashing, he's funny, he's totally campy & sometimes sports a little beer gut under that tight yellow uniform. PLUS, he starred in Boston Legal with my other future boyfriend, James Spader. (Must tell you that show was one of the happiest discoveries of my life. Right after masturbation.) No one else can get away with that pause-between-every-couple-of-words delivery + furrowed brow that is so indicatively Shatner. Love love him.

Side note: my favorite Star Trek captain of all time is actually Captain Picard. Heart some Patrick Stewart. Oi. He's the sexiest bald man I've ever seen. & so intense.
Star Trek: TNG was probably the only show I've ever watched in its entirety - & I was very young when it started. It takes me to my happy place.

UPDATE: mmmmk. So Nick & I saw the new movie yesterday night. Thought it was pretty darn good. I think I might have liked it better if they hadn't done the whole "we're changing the backstory b/c they went back in time" bullshit - but it was still a good movie. Thought it was well written. & I really like that little crooked pouty thing Chris Pine does with his lips... mmhmm. Never saw Shatner pull that one...
I hope they make another one. :)

I'm completely obsessed with soap that looks like food.

2009-05-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty OCD when it comes to cleanliness. & (like most people) I love food; add in my affinity for things that are made to look like things they are not (or miniatures) (plus, look how vibrant & beautiful soap can be! Tulip Olive Oil Soap by EpicallyEpicSoap) - you can imagine my giddiness when I come across these guys...

& to spare my twitter followers from having to endure any more Etsy soap/food links, I decided I should probably just post a blog with all of my favorites listed & be done with it. So here we go:

Popcorn soap & Pickle Soap by LoveLeeSoap

Donut Soap by Anniepoo

German Chocolate Cake Soap by Soapopotamus

also Teeth Soap (even though it's not food) by Soapopotamus

Mocha cappuccino cocoa butter soap, served in a cup by Digitalsoaps

DirtyAssSoap makes some of the best I've seen: Oreo Cookie Soap, Bacon Soap, Chocolate Covered Strawberries Soap, Cheese & Crakers Soap

Orange Spice Delizioso Exfoliating by Bonghinatura

Buttered Toast Soap by Sunbasilgarden

Frothy Beer Soap & Fried Egg Soap by MollycoddleSoap

Apple Pie Soap by BodyBeautiful

Lemon Cake Soap & Ice Cream Cone Soap & White Chocolate Cherry Cupcake Soap by CrazyKBathandBody

The impressive PINK SUGAR COCONUT and CHOCOLATE DRIZZLE CUPCAKE All Natural Shea Butter Soap by Verbenacustomblends (this is one I really really wish I could actually eat. don't you!?)

& even though it doesn't look like beer, it's made with beer! Guinness Beer Soap by Dennisanderson

Ok, ok, I couldn't help myself. I also love soap replicas of things that aren't usually made of soap:

iPhone Soap (Macintosh Apple Scented) by Twoeggplants

Mountain Dew scented NES Controller Soap by Digitalsoaps

Fight Club Soap! also by DirtyAssSoaps

aand who could do without Penis Soap! by Suessoap

Plus the hundreds of other delicious looking homemade organic smelly-wonderful soaps. I can't list them all or my eyes might fall out of my head, but I made it easy for ya, here's the search! I maybe love the bar soaps more than the one's that look like food b/c they're more practical & I wouldn't feel guilty washing myself with them (& I wouldn't have to worry about freaking out when my roommates use them).

Le sigh. I love being clean.

Fish Fish Fish Fish.

2009-05-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

I can say, with almost 100% positivity, that every time Nick & I go grocery shopping at Trader Joe's (the one on Santa Monica & Formosa) I go into little kid mode & ask if we can go in the tropical fish store in the same center.

"Babe, can we go look at the fish!?"
"No."
"Pleease babe?" ::smiles::
"No."
"Pleeeeease babe?" ::sad puppy face::
"No."
"Hrmph."

Why my boyfriend has an aversion to tropical fish, I'm not sure, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that he thinks I need another animal to take care of like I need a hole in my head. Or else he's just a fish-fascist. Or both maybe.

Anyway, getting to the point, I went to TJ's by myself this weekend & oo OO OOOO! went into the tropical fish store. I love fish. I think they're so wonderful. So colorful & they're weird little creatures. I guess I go into this sort of objective mindset where I feel like I can see a thing for what it really is. Do you know what I mean? It's like seeing it for the first time & realizing all it's oddities & just how drastically its body differs from mine. What's going thru that little fish brain when I put my face up near the tank & it gets all excited & wiggly? For some reason, still in little kid mode, I got so happy being in there.

I think I've recently been going thru a fascination with sea life. Today I was reading about Blue Whales & remembered just how amazing & enormous they are. When you're a kid, you learn all about these animals (whales, dinosaurs, etc.) & you take it all in at once & think they are just so cool.. but I've noticed that as I've become an adult, I've almost forgotten they're there at all. I get so caught up normal, everyday crap that I totally forget about these huge amazing creatures that share our world. I dunno, for some reason it feels really good to remember. Get that feeling of awe back. I'd love to see a whale. Hell, I'd just love to have a little fish tank on my desk with a few of those little neon guys.

Moving around.

2009-04-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

On the occasion of Nick's (& eventually my) most recent move, I realized that I move around a lot. A LOT. I'm highly affected by my environment & living space & so far I've never seemed to be able to find the apt that I absolutely love. I supposed this is relatively normal for a person of my age?

These are the places I've lived after High School:

Sept 2002 - CSULB dorm
Sept 2003 - CSULB dorm
July 2004 - Grand x 11th (Long Beach, CA)
Feb 2005 - 7th x Orange (Long Beach, CA)
Aug 2005 - Grandparents house (Orange, CA)
May 2006 - 6th x Pacific (Long Beach, CA)
Feb 2007 - South Coast Drive (Costa Mesa, CA)
Feb 2008 - Parent's house (Irvine, CA)
Aug 2008 - Afton x Gower (Los Angeles, CA)
June 2009 - Wilcox x Willoughby (Los Angeles, CA)
Aug 2010 - ?? (San Fransisco, CA)

And I'm pretty sure this trend will continue for a little while. I'll probably be in SF for two years or so to finish Grad School. Probably won't live in the same place that whole time. They after I may be coming back to LA, or if things really work out with Nick, maybe even Seattle. I would like to settle eventually. Or at least rent a freakin apartment for more than a year. I guess I just haven't found my perfect place yet.

I wrote a song last night.

2009-04-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

First time I think I've every written something remotely listenable. It's kind of a jazzy, sappy thing I fuddled with while making mashed yams in the kitchen, procrastinating on my homework. Sat down at the piano & figured out my melody. Wrote it down, ripped it out of the notebook, folded it up & put it in my purse - probably never to be seen by human eyes ever again... I think it sounds pretty nice actually. Really simple. But nice. It's a start at least. Nick has been trying to get me (us) to start writing & playing more music. It's something I've always been interested in, but never pursued on account of over-self-criticism & all that silly crap.

I don't really know how my singing voice really sounds. I mean, in my head, I'm far far from tone deaf as long as the notes are in my range. But then the only recordings of my voice I've ever heard was on the company answering machine (where I discovered my lisp) & maybe some Mac Photobooth nonsense.

All in all, the whole experience made me pretty happy. Felt like I was using my brain a little. :D

Plans: Part 2

2009-04-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

So, completely unsurprisingly, got nothing but discouragement from my mother & grandfather about the Europe trip. "It's going to be really expensive" "2 months will cost you $12 thousand dollars (not $2,000 like Nick was able to live on)" "People steal your stuff in hostels" "You'll have to share rooms with 10 people" (no, duh. that's the point.) "Did you hear about that American girl being held in prison for her roommate's murder with no evidence pointing to her?" "Well it's your money. Do what you want with it" (said in a condescending tone)

Christ. No wonder I'm so freakin scared to do it. How the hell did I ever do anything with that type of message constantly being thrown at me every time I tell them I'm thinking about doing something new... At least, I have my dad's support. Or at least positive consideration. He'll at least discuss all aspects of the trip with me instead of just the negative. I'm going to try & plan it. It may not work out in the end. But I think I should try.

My saving plan should be this: every time I'm thinking about buying something on Etsy - or elsewhere for that matter, I should take the money I'd be spending & put it in a separate account. Oof. That'll be rough.

Speaking of plans...

2009-04-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

I have one. For the next couple years of my life. I'm taking a GRE review course now so that I can (get a good score on the GRE &) apply to Grad school next fall. I want to study developmental psychology at San Fransisco State. I'm pretty excited about this plan b/c 1) it's a subject I love 2) for years, I've been wanting to live in SF & 3) probably most importantly, I can get into the school (based on my knowledge of myself...)
It all works out. I'd been thinking about UCLA since I live here now, but they don't have the program I want & I don't think I could get in anyway, nor would I want to. I'll take any excuse to get out of here.

The one drawback, Nicolas probably won't be coming with me. Who knows, he might. But as it looks now, if he can really get his recording business underway, LA might be where he has to stay. But, assuming we're still together in a year, we'll take that as it comes. :D

I'm nervous about all this. It's going to be good though.

Plans for the rest of the year:
-We've got a trip to Seattle in June (hopefully coinciding with Jeff (Nick's father) & Sumitra's summer wedding))
-Another trip to Seattle in September for Mia & Stefan's wedding (yay!)
-And we've been trying to plot a trip to New York to hang with Nick's friends, the Porter's sometime in the fall (not sure if this will happen yet)

Seems like everyone's either breaking up or getting married. It's a silly business.

Space, the final frontier.... oh wait.

2009-04-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

So, I was having an exceptionally insomni-atic (pretend it's a word for me) night last night. Couldn't sleep at all. & kept starting up conversations with Nick even though he was half asleep already (Sorry, babe, you're great).. & he came up with a rather novel idea, that I'd previously thought a lot about, but never actually thought I would do it, until last night. & now. It's so simple really but I was raised so ridiculously sheltered, it's taken me a long time to believe that it's possible for me to do these things kinds of things on my own. What things, you ask? Go to Europe. To live for about 2 months before heading off to Grad School. The idea is terrifying, but I absolutely want to do it.

I mean, when else am I going to be able to? Next summer would probably be perfect. I'll be between work & school (also between cities, LA & SF), I have a bf who totally supports it (not like me ex, who never would have let me go), and I have the means to do so. It would be a huge step for me. I've never been out of the country. I've wanted to go since I was a little kid, but dropped the idea that I ever would a few years ago. Got pretty hopeless. But no longer :)

The cities I would definitely want to visit are:
Paris, Rome, Venice, Athens, Prague, Vienna, Berlin & Barcelona.
Then if I was also able to:
Denmark, Poland, Russia, Lithuania, Ireland & England.

It's really scary but I'm really excited. This would be really healthy for me. Mentally, at least. I need to stop letting myself get trapped by other people. Nick says going alone is the best way to do it & I see why he thinks so. Makes me nervous, though, being a woman. I mean, I'm feisty, but I'm not exactly physically daunting... I'll figure something out...
Going to talk it over with my parents this weekend. See if they have any advice. Must start saving & planning now. EEEp!

The Great Tattoo Debate.

2009-03-26T15:30:00.000-07:00

I really want to get more tattoos. You can see my 2nd one to the left. I like it, but it sometimes weirds me out.

My boyfriend doesn't want me to. Time to weigh my options.

Not getting any more:
-save money (would probably spend at least $200)
-no risk of them getting nasty & wrinkly when I'm old
-no risk of inadvertently getting a fucked up tat
-avoid the pain?
-the bf is happy about it
-no desecration of my nice soft skin (want to get one on my back)
-my kids won't think I'm still trying to be young when I'm 50

Getting more: (yay!)
-out $200+
-bf is disgruntled for about a week
-I have pretty body art
-I finally act instead of just talk about it (for like 3 years)
-have to hope I don't change my mind about it later (like I've done about my Radiohead tattoo) bleah.
-I get more le alternative 'street cred' (ha. kidding.)
-I can finally fulfill my dream of becoming a Suicide Girl (ha. kidding again.)(needed more in this category..)
-must take the time, lots & lots of time, to design something neat & original

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to get something totally lame - so I'm going to have to take a lot of time & care to make sure my design is awesome before I have someone ink it on me. & absolutely no Koi fish, nautical stars, skulls, sparrows, waves, demons, spiderwebs, Vargas girls, tigers, band tattoos, boyfriend names, bass or treble clefs.

SXSW 2009.

2009-03-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

This year was my first time attending SXSW (South by Southwest, anyone unfamiliar). I got to go because Nick was asked to work a couple days - recording for Spaceland Recordings.
We didn't have passes & we stayed in a swanky Motel 6 down the highway from Downtown Austin. Our plan was to just venue hop to all the "unofficial" SXSW shows around town. Nick spend out first day there recording the Spaceland Party at Maggie Mae's. It was pretty fun. I was on food duty. Got to know the city relatively well on my hunt for breakfast. The next day we got lost & ended up at the capitol building. Love the architecture. Then we smoke a joint on the lawn. Then moved on. Also, we found some cool things at the American Apparel Flea Market including a fairly awesome blue crushed velvet dress (that Nick found), looking to be from the 70s, detailed with little white lacey flowers. Not sure where the hell I'm going to wear it yet, but I'm sure I'll think of some occasion to.

Some of the bands we got to see were:
Superdrag
The Thermals
The Hold Steady
Death By Stereo
The Von Bondies
Yelle
Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
Julliette Commangre
Red Cortez
Cut Off Your Hands
(+ some others I can't recall the names of right now)

Maybe not as impressive as it should have been (I was piissssed our friend didn't tell us about the Datarock show when we ran into him a couple hours before he went) for my first & probably the last time in Austin, but it was a nice getaway from work and all that. Got to do a lot of exploring. I just don't think I was up for all the madness + we didn't really know our way around. Oh well. Next time we'll make different decisions.

Oi. No time to finish this now. Stay tuned.

Pumpkin Pancake Recipe.

2009-03-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

So, for about a year now, I've been honing my pumpkin pancake making skillzz. & I must say, I've got it fuckin down. Like they turn out really fucking good. (see photo) Even Nick, who doesn't really like pancakes, thought they were great. Plus I've got the positive testimonials of at least my dad, brother, Brenan & Dennis (maybe they were just being nice. Maybe not ;) hehe.) So I've decided to share the recipe with you all. It's not my recipe, I found it here: The Pumpkin Nook! They have tons of pumpkinolicious things to make. This is definitely my favorite. EVAR!

Pumpkin Pancakes
Makes: 12-16 pancakes

Ingredients:
1 cup All Purpose Flour
1/2 cup Pumpkin puree fresh cooked or canned
1 Tbs. Sugar
1 cup 2% Milk
2 Eggs, separated
2 Tsp. Baking Soda
1/4 Tsp. Salt (use less if on a low sodium diet)
1/2 Tsp. Ground Cinnamon
2 Tbs. Vegetable Oil

Preparation Directions:
1. Combine dry ingredients and spices in a bowl.
2. In a second bowl, whisk together, pumpkin puree, egg yolks, milk, and vegetable oil.
3. Stir wet ingredient into dry ingredients.
4. Use a mixer to beat egg whites until peaks form. Then, fold them into the batter.
5. Pour 1/4 cup of batter onto a greased griddle and cook until golden brown.
6. Serve with syrup. (or butter & powdered sugar! & mimosas!)

The only alteration I make is in the amount of pumpkin puree. I use about 2-3 times as much pumpkin as the recipe calls for. It gives them a stronger, more deelicious flavor. It makes the batter a little thicker, so you may need to add a little bit more milk as well.

One more thing to note, unless you're already an accomplished chef (which I'm def not) it may take you a couple tries to get the egg white beating just right, but when you do, get em real fluffy = uber fluffy pancakes. OMG ::swoons::

You have to keep an eye on them too while they're cooking. The batter is thicker than normal PC batter, even w/out the extra pumpkin. The first one's take a little bit longer to cook, maybe 2 minutes, but after you get the first batch out they sizzle like mad. Try to keep a thin, even circle (or square, or heart-shape) of batter & don't walk away from the pan! They'll burn! I learned this the hard way... I'm easily distracted. But anywho, just watch the thickness of the cake, b/c the outside will crisp really quickly while the inside stays mushy if they're too big. You get the idea.

Enjoy!

When I cook asparagus it tastes like french fries.

2009-03-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

Not even exaggerating.

When I fry up asparagus, it comes out tasting really good, but like french fries. Kinda awesome.

I just use olive oil, maybe a little bit of butter, some salt & pepper & maaybe a spice or two & some goat cheese.. fry it up in a skillet until the asparagus gets a little toasty brownish green on the outside & voilà! Healthy french fries. Yummm.

(p.s. when my boyfriend cooks it this way it tastes totally different. weeird.)

Scientologists must want people to act like fucking psychos.

2009-03-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess that goes without saying... but anyway. I have a startling admission to make. [note sarcasm, please] I am fighting the inclination to start some drama. You don't want no drama.. Um, sorry. Back to it.. I want to break up with my boyfriend. The justification at the fore-front of my mind is, so that I can AVOID any further drama. Pretty much: bail when it gets a little rough. & it's really not even that rough. He's the first guy who is actually willing to communicate with me about our problems. He'll sit there and talk it out with me. 95% of the time is without a contemptuous smirk or attitude or screaming or insane irrational defensiveness. He's amazing. (Not to mention ridiculously cute)

Now to relate this to my post title: I haven't been taking my meds. As in my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. Why? I dunno. I started running out. I started forgetting all of a sudden.. Why? No good reason. And I've become noticeably more unstable. Because in my natural state, my brain chemicals are imbalanced & I need to be regulated by something outside of my will power (which is actually pretty significant, really. I'm writing about all this in my uncontrolled state aren't I? Plus the fact that I'm not actually going to break up with my boyfriend because I know it's a stupid idea gives me some credibility here I think.)

I'm thinking all these conflicting feelings. Like just wanting to say fuck it & go screw some other guy because I'm feeling sexually frustrated and hurt. But I don't do it b/c of what I'd be giving up. It's so weird. Well, maybe not that weird, really.. I was so fed up after Steve that I swore I would never settle again & never let myself be in an unhappy relationship & that if a guy I was seeing did some shit to hurt me or disgust me that I would leave. Just leave. Be fine on my own. Rarg.

Sometimes my brain feels like it gets cloudy & I can't really tell what's going on. Sometimes it feels like it did before & I just want to jump. Maybe it's just because I'm with a man & I have trust issues. & co-dependency issues. & brain chemistry issues. & defensive issues. & .... issues....

I think I just need to take my meds regularly & stop smoking weed. Yeah. That'd just about do it.

I'm thinking of a number between 1 and Cute.

2009-03-06T14:37:00.001-08:00

who is it?

Their dead sharks.

2009-02-11T12:29:00.000-08:00

I just twittered "I wish I could help my friends avoid bad relationships." I was thinking about this b/c it seems like a lot, if not all, of my friends' relationships are falling apart.

Last weekend Nick (I'm starting to spell it with a K b/c he does... apparently...) & I went to a show and a few of my old friends from OC/Long Beach were there cause they're friends with the band. Anyhow, one of them used to be a very good friend of mine (& we dated briefly) but doesn't really talk to me now & was barely allowed to talk to me at the show b/c his ex-wife (& apparently current girlfriend) was with him. Bottom line, it kinda depressed me. (& maybe I'm totally out of line for saying this in a public forum, but) She is not good for him. & I'm absolutely not the only one who thinks so. I mean, if she makes him happy, that is great, but I think he's just back with her b/c it's comfortable. & that is not healthy in my opinion (& that of others).

Being with my ex was comfortable, but horrible for me emotionally. This friend is not the only friend of mine doing this. My best girl friend is ALSO doing this! She's back with a guy who treats her like shit half the time, not like shit the other half. I wish both of them could be happy being single until they find a good partner. I know this is really hard... and maybe I don't have room to talk since I just got really lucky with Nick... but cmon, I think I can. If I was still with Steve, I would be miserable. I was miserable. I did what they are doing now for 3 years, but I finally got fed up and moved on. I hope they do. I don't want them living the rest of their lives in an abusive partnership.

My other good friend, you know who you are, you're doing a great job of not settling. & you BETTER NOT go back to you know who or I'll have to start worrying about you also. :D There ARE people out there who aren't shitty. Who have (relatively) grown up emotionally (real age has NO effect on this whatsoever).

Had dinner with an old 'flame' last week; talked about random shit, which managed to include relationship updates on some of his friends (some I know, some I don't). Seems like a good handful of them are falling apart. At least he's in a healthy relationship, which I think is great.

Plus, there's more. At least 3 more of my friends (& I really don't have that many total) either are with an asshole, just got screwed over by an asshole, or broke up with a guy who may or may not be an asshole (to some degree). Relationships are falling apart everywhere I look! & now I feel like the asshole for being happy with my relationship... sigh. That's ridiculous. But ya know how it goes...

I wouldn't be one to say something like "there's only one person out there who's right for you." But I do think there is a very specific type that makes the right partner for any one person. I guess it's just hard to find your type. I still don't know how the fuck I found Nick. It really blows me away. But I did & I think if you're just patient and emotionally ready for it, you'll find them also.

Separation Anxiety.

2009-02-09T16:28:00.001-08:00

Am I the only one who gets this? Surely not. It used to happen with Steve and it definitely happens now with Nick. & the reason I'm writing about it now is because I'm experiencing it today... Do you know what I'm talking about? Would you like a text book (er..health website) definition to start?

"Separation anxiety is a fairly common anxiety disorder that affects children and young adolescents. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV-TR), a child with separation anxiety experiences recurrent excessive anxiety beyond that expected for the child's developmental level. This anxiety results from separation or impending separation from the child's attachment figure (eg, primary caretaker, close family member). As defined, this condition affects children younger than 18 years and occurs over a period of at least 4 weeks.

"Characteristic features of separation anxiety disorder include severe distress, fear, or worry leading to impairment of functioning and frequently accompanied by somatic symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches."
http://www.emedicinehealth.com/separation_anxiety/article_em.htm

Babies feel anxiety when separated from their mothers. Ok. Now I can't say for sure what my deal is, but I elicit a similar response when I know I'm going to be separated from my boyfriend. And the cycle is (I'm gonna do this in bullet points cause it looks cleaner, maybe)
-I'm aware we're going to be separated, as we probably will be tonight,
-then I start to feel anxious about it, because being with him it what's most comfortable for me,
-then I start to emotionally distance myself from him, because I'm excellent at defense mechanisms [note sarcasm]
-& when I shut down emotionally I feel better b/c no part of me is hurting as a result of us not being together
-I can move on with whatever else I need to do w/out thinking about my boyfriend & how much I miss him.

Problem is, Nick just called me a little bit ago & I was totally disconnected. & had no real desire to talk to him or tell him what was going on. It's not like it's easy to just break my zone. If I let him in it makes me miss him again & that's kinda painful.

Maybe bottom line is, I'm co-dependant. BUT I am perfectly capable & happy being on my own & single & whatnot. However, I'll probably argue (against myself) that I'm only able to be happy alone b/c I'm just using the above tactic ALL the time. Being emotionally distant gives you a lot of freedom. But now that I have an amazing partner I need to get the fuck over this ness or else it's going to cause problems. w00t.

& of course pretty much everyone experiences this to some degree with the people they love.. I'm just posting about it b/c I think it's interesting & it's maybe more intensely manifested for me. yeah..

Well now that I'm aware of this, of course, I'm going to have to explain it to Nick. (why would I blog about it then not do anything about it in real life??)

nothing to do with sharks or asparagus.

2009-01-25T22:12:00.001-08:00

nataliedee.com

Moomers.

2009-01-21T22:40:00.001-08:00

[Note: this is a ridiculous post about my cat. Just in case the photo didn't already give it away.] Well, I don't know about you, but I think this is the best picture I've ever taken of my cat. P.S. her name is Optimus Moo. & she's the cutest cat on the planet. But she's about to get rubber-clawed when my most recent purchase arrives. Those being little rubber cap things that stick to her talons & hopefully save my face from future scratches (when she pounces on my head while I'm asleep). What a bastard.

Cold remedies.

2009-01-16T11:11:00.000-08:00

In light of recent events, e.i. Nic & I both getting sick for the 2nd time within two months, I've decided to give you a post about good cold remedies, both homeopathic & non.

First thing you do, take Oscilococinum. Just once. They come in these little vials & it's these little balls that you let dissolve under your tongue. They're usually pretty good at knocking out a cold before it even begins.

Take a bunch of of Vitamin C supplements. You can start by taking 2 and then 1 every hour for a couple of days.

Or you can make tea. Slice up some ginger & little bit of garlic, boil it for a bit, let it sit & then put some honey in. It tastes pretty good & is good for ya.

Or you can make this nasty shit that'll really slaughter your cold. Boil a minced clove of garlic let it sit then put in cayenne pepper & honey or milk & down it. It's pretty awful (unless you rEEally like garlic) but my bf made me drink this twice a day for 2 or 3 days & I got better almost immediately. I didn't do him the same service & he stayed sick for over a week. & is now sick again.

Also, get Echinacea. It comes in a little bottle w/ a glass dropper. You're supposed to either put a dropper full in a glass of water & drink it. Or you can just squirt it right in your mouth. It's pretty gross, but I suppose it works.

The last thing we use is Bach Flower Essences Rescue Remedy Spray. Honestly, I don't know if this stuff works. But we use it anyway. & it smells nice. Or at least nicer than the Echinacea.

We get most, if not all, of these things at Whole Foods or any other health food store. & ya know, don't forget do the whole lots of liquids & Emergen-C thing & rest & naps & avoid stress. & avoid sick people... wash yer hands. Use hand sanitizer. That's pretty much the best thing to do. Hope I was of some help to someone...

Le Shift in Le Job.

2009-01-15T12:05:00.001-08:00

It looks like I'll be transitioning from Customer Service to Marketing at my company over the next few weeks! This is pretty awesome for me as it's something I've been interested in for a long time & it's pretty much just being handed to be b/c my boss thinks I'm creative (which I am, but have never been able to utilize in a professional work environment). :D I'm assuming it'll be way more interesting than what I'm doing now & it'll look great on future resumes. Fuck yes!

Shameless Boyfriend Promotion.

2009-01-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

So, for about 2+ months my bf has been working on this project with Warner Brothers & Spaceland Recordings, a web tv show, called Rockville. Pretty much it's some silly drama (about this chick who books bands for this venue, called Rockville) with the same music supervisor as Gossip Girl & The OC (which is the fact everyone's going apeshit for) and she's gotten about 20 indie-ish bands to play on the show. It's set at the Echoplex & since Nic already works for Spaceland Recordings, they hired him to record and mix all of the live music that's going to air on the show. Pretty awesome, eh? The full 2 song sets by each band will also be available for viewing on theWB.com

So, why bother posting about it? Because my cute bf has made a whole bunch of live performances (which usually start out of questionable quality) sound AMAZING (I would know, I've sat thru hours of him mixing them). And if it gets popular enough on the web, it may get picked up for television, or at least another season, which would be great for Nic. & he's put a shit-ton of work into it & I'm really proud of him.

So watch it! Some of the bands are: Kaiser Chiefs, Travis, The Duke Spirit, Lights, The Broken West, Eagles of Death Metal, Earlimart, Frightened Rabbit, The Kooks, Lykke Li, Nico Stai, Passion Pit, The Little Ones, Phantom Planet and White Lies.

In case you care to know more, here are articles about the show:
www.pastemagazine.com
news.tubefilter.tv
www.latimes.com
www.thewb.com/blog

New daily regiment.

2009-01-13T12:34:00.000-08:00

Not exactly a New Years Resolution; more of a "babe, when we get back from our trip we should start gettin our shit together" resolution. But here is the plan:

1. play Squash at the gym we signed up at (pay for) at least every other day.
2. get up in the morning on time = get to work on time
3. stop buying lunch while at work, bring a lunch
4. cook more instead of eating out
5. take daily vitamins & medications when you're supposed to
6. get out more
7. do more creative stuff
8. oh, and stand up straight (I've had terrible posture for years. trying to rectify this)

We're trying to be healthier (since our metabolisms are noticeably slower these days) so that we don't become fat old people. & we need to get out more because we're both total homebodies & are pretty darn content laying around at home with our kitties. However, we do miss the social life & miss going to shows & dancing & stuff like that so we're trying to find a funner (not a word) scene to explore. Supposedly LA has culture, right? Trying to find it... & trying to cook more, because it's fun AND mostly because it's healthier. And so far playing Squash has been really fun & since it's pretty intense, we get a good workout without totally dreading it (like we would if we were running. ick). We're also in the process of rearranging/painting/fixing Nic's apt, as I'll probably be moving in within a couple months & want to kill the remnants of mess from his previous roommates. I already have all my sewing & craft stuff organized in my own little corner of the living room. It's terribly satisfying. & once he's done with this Warner Bros project (which I'll tell you about in the next post) he'll have a lot more time to do creative stuff as well. & we'll both be happier. It's good. Shits good. So far we've actually been able to stick to the plan which is more than most people can say about their "plans."

see? craft corner --->

New Years Vacation!

2009-01-13T12:15:00.000-08:00

I had an amazing New Years. Finally took a much needed vacation with Nic. As I mentioned previously, he flew up to Seattle in time for Christmas with Mia & Stefan and his father (Jeff) & family. I met up with him on New Years Eve. Took a 6:00 AM flight! It was rough, but it worked out for the best. Gave us a lot more time to hang out during the day. Nic picked me up from the airport & drove me around downtown Seattle for a bit. We got some lunch & then headed back to Mia (Nic's best friend) & her boyfriend, Stefan's, apartment in Ravenna. It was super cute & right across the street from this big park. It was freakin cold out but exceptionally pretty. I kinda loved it right away. Anyhow, I think we took a short nap & then had dinner before heading out for our NYE adventures. Picked up 2 bottles each of red wine & champagne & took them over to Mia's friend Nicki's house where they were having a little party. It was relaxing & pleasant to be around good people. Total lack of douchebags + lots of wine + kitchen dancing + board games + fat cats. Plus Nic & I got all drunk & mushy on each other; talking about things like having kids & how wonderful we think our relationship is & all that silly crap. Then apparently I started to pass out & Nic & Mia got some rolls & goat cheese from the store & chowed while I konked out for the night. It was good. Our other option for the evening would have been bar hoping with a bunch of kids on acid.. not what we were inclined to do.

The next morning Nic was totally hungover & I was surprisingly not. We got up early & went for a walk with Reilly, Mia's American Eskimo Poodle, to Tully's for coffee & other hangover remedies. When we got back I think we slept for another 5 hours & then the rest of the next day or two consisted of dinner with Nic's family & grandma, some vintage shopping where I found these amazing leather boots, more puppy walking & hanging out with M&S, dinner with Mia's family - her step-father made this amazing lamb & turkey stew, lots more wine drinking, a small dinner party where the 4 of us went over to Noemie (a French girl they've known for about 10 years) & Nate's apartment (they also have 2 enormous cats), lots of peanuckle playing with M&S and Mia's grandparents (who ALSO have a fat cat!), lots more beer drinking on our last night when we went out with a bunch of Nic's friends to a couple of bars - M&S, Noemie & Nate, Dan & Sean came out; Nic & I stayed up the whole night & were thoroughly hungover (& grumpy) when we took our 6:00 AM flight back to LA.

The best part of the trip was, though, going to Vashon Island to see where Nic grew up & spend more time with his dad & his girlfriend, Sumitra. We took a ferry across Puget Sound on Friday night & got a tour of the house, visited & slept. Nothing terribly out of the ordinary... The next morning we all got up & ready & made breakfast, then Nic & I went for a walk around the property. This was my favorite part of the whole trip. Getting to see where he lived + it was just so beautiful out there, I was totally elated. Took lots of photos of us looking all cute together. It was just really wonderful. We walked for about an hour. He showed me all the places he used to play (& have battles) as a kid. & the house was amazing. His father designed & built it. & Nic helped him do it, which made me really excited b/c cute musically inclined indie kids rarely are able to change their own tire, let alone build a fucking house. So that just made me fall for him even more. :) Add in the serene environment &+ the emotional aspect of entering the person you love's childhood home = so ridiculously smitten. Ok, this is starting to get pretty mushy here. Let's move on. (P.S. check out photos on my flickr)

Our next activity was another walk (yay!) with Jeff & Sumitra on one of the near by trails. We drove a few miles down & there was a huge frozen pond & an awesome little trail through the woods. Everyone was having a great time & being silly & it was really cute b/c I sorta got to see where some of Nic's mannerisms came from. & I love that kinda shit, so it made me pretty happy. Took a couple photos. Nic has a penchant for picking people up.. heh.. which is what you see here :) After our walk we had a nice lunch with red wine; which started out our 12 hour day of drinking... Jeff dropped us off at the ferry & then we took the bus back to Mia & Stephan's. The rest of what we did is pretty much up in the first paragraph. Saying goodbye to everyone was hard. They had all been so lovely to me and the city just felt so clean (especially compared to LA) - I really didn't want to come home...

Anyway, that was our trip! It was wonderful & really brought Nic & I closer. I've never been with someone I was this happy with. It finally feels like something healthy that will work out. Thanks for reading. :)

Blogger, out.

Absence makes the heart....

2008-12-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

super duper cheesy.

Nic took a plane to Seattle yesterday morning. He'll be gone until the 4th, when we both fly back to LA. I'm flying out to Washington on the 31st. I'm really looking forward to it, & right now I'm totally totally missing him. It's good. Really good that we're going to have about a week apart. We've been together pretty much every single day for 4 months & it's starting to wear on us. Especially lately. Things have gotten a little tense, but I know it will pass. Some space will be good for us. Honestly, I didn't expect to be missing him this quickly. But yeah. Anyhow. I'll tell you about my travels after they happen. Twill be nice.

Unique Los Angeles.

2008-12-17T13:23:00.000-08:00

For those of you who missed the http://www.uniquelosangeles.com event last weekend in Downtown LA, I thought I might tell you a little about it & give you some links to the stores I thought were pretty fantastic (since there were a TON)...

My favorite was Rebe, with their eco friendly apparel & other fun things. The bf bought me their Maryanne coat in blue, which I absolutely LOVE. It's soft & hooded & freakin adorable. And almost anything that is handmade I go apeshit for.

Another one is Hi Tree!, whose Esty store I've perused many times & lusted after (I love most things trees. A bunch.) I just think their tree designs are so cute!

Then there is Six Foot Owl which I think Nic especially liked. They hand paint their garments (ties, shirts, coats, etc.) with some pretty cool designs.

Also I Heart Guts! was there with some totally cute smiley little plush organs. I kinda wish I had bought a kidney while I was there, but happy to know if I ever get the urge I can get one online.

AND I'm totally not done with this post at all... just wanted to post it so far to remind myself..

I am upset.

2008-12-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

And I have to vent in order to start feeling better. So here goes.

1. I called my boyfriend just now to try to just talk it out & he decided he had to go quickly & hung up on me. So that made me more upset, which is why I'm choosing this outlet.

2. I was upset this morning because I was feeling like I was aging too fast. Getting jaded. Nic & I were talking about this a bit last night. We were looking at pictures of him from a year ago & he just looks so much older over the course of only a year. He said he's had a really intense year. Been similar for me. I mean, I still think he's gorgeous, but it freaks me out. & I'm feeling like my spark of sorts is just dying. I miss the days when I would go to shows & come out drenched in sweat from dancing in the middle of the crowd. & I'd be completely sober. Haven't done that in years. I really miss that.

3. Last night I almost killed Nic's ProTools. Which would have been horrible. I accidentally bent his iWhateveritis that has to plug into the USB drive in order for the program to start. (which sounds like a terrible design made to fuck people out of their program...) But yeah, the thing still worked, but may bomb out sooner than he would want eventually. He was pretty upset & I was pretty upset. We didn't have a big fight because I just went in the other room & cried until he finished his work, cooled off about it & came out to talk to me. It was actually a very very successful debacle. He mentioned that if that had happened with his ex there would have been a huge fight & some sort of shouting match. This was very intense, but he was ok about it & not mad at me in the end... It wore me out though. Crying is very tiresome.

4. I'm probably (no, definitely) experiencing some PMS. It's gotten worse lately. I've been uber hormonal. Last month was really bad. I may have gotten pregnant & then miscarried within a week or two. Bled for like a month. Is that way more information than I should have told the Internet? Strangely, the thing that bothered me the most about it was how quickly it died (it's not confirmed, but that's what my doctor thought it would've been). I just wondered what that could say about my fertility. I want to have kids one day & if I couldn't that would be devastating... I'm really glad I didn't have to deal with an abortion, but.. blech. it was still weird. Weird weird. So yeah. Hormonal like whoa.

5. Last night we were talking about New Years, which is going to be amazing I think. I'm going up to Seattle to meet up with Nic - he's going up for Christmas with his best friend, Mia, & his dad. Then I'm coming up a week later & him, myself, Mia, Mia's boyfriend, & Mia's cousin (who Nic had an affair of sorts last New Year Eve - but also who now has her own BF) are going to a cabin do hang out & participate in some non-sober holiday debauchery. & we contemplated the possible awkwardness of the situation. Decided there was no reason for it to be weird, but also that she is cuter than me. Which kinda hurt my feelings, cause, let's face it, I'm a girl & that's how we usually react to that sort of statement. & in a situation when faced with an ex of the guy you love, being the cuter one def lowers the (irrational, but unavoidable) threat. & then I almost killed his ProTools which is absolutely necessary for him to work so I was feeling extra inadequate.

6. I get scared sometimes that I'm going to lose him eventually.

Um, wow. Emo much?

2008-12-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

Really had a weird day yesterday. Felt completely disconnected. My head has sort of regained some balance, so yeah, feeling normal today...