Ambitious.

I'm trying to figure out when all my ambitions were broken.

What happened to them.
What happened to wanting to be a Lion Tamer? Or a psychologist?
What the fuck happened!? Somewhere along the line I got really discouraged & crawled up inside my head & started feeling really helpless & inadequate. Maybe it was just puberty? Something caused me to take a turn for the depressed & I'm going to figure out what it was.

In the meantime. I'm just going to try my best to get settled (in the new house next month) and take my thyroid medications & all this herbal crap that Nick & I bought that's supposed to be good for you. & maybe start back on anti-depressants. Also, been considering the idea that I might have ADD - Nick has it & suggested it in response to my list of symptoms (& he would know). However, the inability to concentrate is also a sign of a hypo-active thyroid, which I've been treated for since I was 10 - but if that's all it is, why am I still not able to concentrate after 14 years of treatment? Hrmph.

I feel like I just need something to wake me up. I'm really low energy for 90% of my day. I want to wake the fuck up. Do creative things in my spare time instead of nap. I know I'm capable of a lot, I just haven't had the energy for over half my life. It sounds like an excuse - it is really. But I'm talking about it now so that I have to stop ignoring it.

So there. I'm gonna fix this shitz.

New Poll.

Allow me to explain my poll. I am curious, is there any correlation between the bigger boob (c'mon, you know they're not exactly the same) and your dominant hand (left or right)?
I suppose this question could be posed to both men & women. Anyone care to share?

P.S. I am right handed & my left boob is noticeably bigger than the other (if you're lookin at it).

F*ck Chris Pine.

Yes, although Chris is devastatingly good looking, my Captain Kirk love will always have to lie with one, William Shatner. He's dashing, he's funny, he's totally campy & sometimes sports a little beer gut under that tight yellow uniform. PLUS, he starred in Boston Legal with my other future boyfriend, James Spader. (Must tell you that show was one of the happiest discoveries of my life. Right after masturbation.) No one else can get away with that pause-between-every-couple-of-words delivery + furrowed brow that is so indicatively Shatner. Love love him.


Side note: my favorite Star Trek captain of all time is actually Captain Picard. Heart some Patrick Stewart. Oi. He's the sexiest bald man I've ever seen. & so intense.
Star Trek: TNG was probably the only show I've ever watched in its entirety - & I was very young when it started. It takes me to my happy place.



UPDATE: mmmmk. So Nick & I saw the new movie yesterday night. Thought it was pretty darn good. I think I might have liked it better if they hadn't done the whole "we're changing the backstory b/c they went back in time" bullshit - but it was still a good movie. Thought it was well written. & I really like that little crooked pouty thing Chris Pine does with his lips... mmhmm. Never saw Shatner pull that one...
I hope they make another one. :)

I'm completely obsessed with soap that looks like food.

I'm pretty OCD when it comes to cleanliness. & (like most people) I love food; add in my affinity for things that are made to look like things they are not (or miniatures) (plus, look how vibrant & beautiful soap can be! Tulip Olive Oil Soap by EpicallyEpicSoap) - you can imagine my giddiness when I come across these guys...

& to spare my twitter followers from having to endure any more Etsy soap/food links, I decided I should probably just post a blog with all of my favorites listed & be done with it. So here we go:

Popcorn soap & Pickle Soap by LoveLeeSoap

Donut Soap by Anniepoo

German Chocolate Cake Soap by Soapopotamus

also Teeth Soap (even though it's not food) by Soapopotamus

Mocha cappuccino cocoa butter soap, served in a cup by Digitalsoaps

DirtyAssSoap makes some of the best I've seen: Oreo Cookie Soap, Bacon Soap, Chocolate Covered Strawberries Soap, Cheese & Crakers Soap

Orange Spice Delizioso Exfoliating by Bonghinatura

Buttered Toast Soap by Sunbasilgarden

Frothy Beer Soap & Fried Egg Soap by MollycoddleSoap

Apple Pie Soap by BodyBeautiful

Lemon Cake Soap & Ice Cream Cone Soap & White Chocolate Cherry Cupcake Soap by CrazyKBathandBody

The impressive PINK SUGAR COCONUT and CHOCOLATE DRIZZLE CUPCAKE All Natural Shea Butter Soap by Verbenacustomblends (this is one I really really wish I could actually eat. don't you!?)

& even though it doesn't look like beer, it's made with beer! Guinness Beer Soap by Dennisanderson


Ok, ok, I couldn't help myself. I also love soap replicas of things that aren't usually made of soap:

iPhone Soap (Macintosh Apple Scented) by Twoeggplants

Mountain Dew scented NES Controller Soap by Digitalsoaps

Fight Club Soap! also by DirtyAssSoaps

aand who could do without Penis Soap! by Suessoap


Plus the hundreds of other delicious looking homemade organic smelly-wonderful soaps. I can't list them all or my eyes might fall out of my head, but I made it easy for ya, here's the search! I maybe love the bar soaps more than the one's that look like food b/c they're more practical & I wouldn't feel guilty washing myself with them (& I wouldn't have to worry about freaking out when my roommates use them).

Le sigh. I love being clean.

Fish Fish Fish Fish.

I can say, with almost 100% positivity, that every time Nick & I go grocery shopping at Trader Joe's (the one on Santa Monica & Formosa) I go into little kid mode & ask if we can go in the tropical fish store in the same center.

"Babe, can we go look at the fish!?"
"No."
"Pleease babe?" ::smiles::
"No."
"Pleeeeease babe?" ::sad puppy face::
"No."
"Hrmph."

Why my boyfriend has an aversion to tropical fish, I'm not sure, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that he thinks I need another animal to take care of like I need a hole in my head. Or else he's just a fish-fascist. Or both maybe.

Anyway, getting to the point, I went to TJ's by myself this weekend & oo OO OOOO! went into the tropical fish store. I love fish. I think they're so wonderful. So colorful & they're weird little creatures. I guess I go into this sort of objective mindset where I feel like I can see a thing for what it really is. Do you know what I mean? It's like seeing it for the first time & realizing all it's oddities & just how drastically its body differs from mine. What's going thru that little fish brain when I put my face up near the tank & it gets all excited & wiggly? For some reason, still in little kid mode, I got so happy being in there.

I think I've recently been going thru a fascination with sea life. Today I was reading about Blue Whales & remembered just how amazing & enormous they are. When you're a kid, you learn all about these animals (whales, dinosaurs, etc.) & you take it all in at once & think they are just so cool.. but I've noticed that as I've become an adult, I've almost forgotten they're there at all. I get so caught up normal, everyday crap that I totally forget about these huge amazing creatures that share our world. I dunno, for some reason it feels really good to remember. Get that feeling of awe back. I'd love to see a whale. Hell, I'd just love to have a little fish tank on my desk with a few of those little neon guys.

Moving around.

On the occasion of Nick's (& eventually my) most recent move, I realized that I move around a lot. A LOT. I'm highly affected by my environment & living space & so far I've never seemed to be able to find the apt that I absolutely love. I supposed this is relatively normal for a person of my age?

These are the places I've lived after High School:

Sept 2002 - CSULB dorm
Sept 2003 - CSULB dorm
July 2004 - Grand x 11th (Long Beach, CA)
Feb 2005 - 7th x Orange (Long Beach, CA)
Aug 2005 - Grandparents house (Orange, CA)
May 2006 - 6th x Pacific (Long Beach, CA)
Feb 2007 - South Coast Drive (Costa Mesa, CA)
Feb 2008 - Parent's house (Irvine, CA)
Aug 2008 - Afton x Gower (Los Angeles, CA)
June 2009 - Wilcox x Willoughby (Los Angeles, CA)
Aug 2010 - ?? (San Fransisco, CA)

And I'm pretty sure this trend will continue for a little while. I'll probably be in SF for two years or so to finish Grad School. Probably won't live in the same place that whole time. They after I may be coming back to LA, or if things really work out with Nick, maybe even Seattle. I would like to settle eventually. Or at least rent a freakin apartment for more than a year. I guess I just haven't found my perfect place yet.

I wrote a song last night.

First time I think I've every written something remotely listenable. It's kind of a jazzy, sappy thing I fuddled with while making mashed yams in the kitchen, procrastinating on my homework. Sat down at the piano & figured out my melody. Wrote it down, ripped it out of the notebook, folded it up & put it in my purse - probably never to be seen by human eyes ever again... I think it sounds pretty nice actually. Really simple. But nice. It's a start at least. Nick has been trying to get me (us) to start writing & playing more music. It's something I've always been interested in, but never pursued on account of over-self-criticism & all that silly crap.

I don't really know how my singing voice really sounds. I mean, in my head, I'm far far from tone deaf as long as the notes are in my range. But then the only recordings of my voice I've ever heard was on the company answering machine (where I discovered my lisp) & maybe some Mac Photobooth nonsense.

All in all, the whole experience made me pretty happy. Felt like I was using my brain a little. :D