Love Letter to Prozac.

Dear Prozac,
(cc: Bupropion)

I feel like I now have a solid idea of what it's like to feel sane. Not feel anxiety about everything little. Not feel like crying & shaking by myself in a dark room.

Fucking awesome.

Life is pretty great right now. My relationship with Nick is really wonderful. Our trip to Bellingham was very healing. For the first time I think I might actually be content with my life. Accepting that my current situation is pretty damn good. Instead of desperately fantasizing about running from it every 3 weeks. It's so nice to feel more balanced. & so foreign. Sorta funny.

Love,

Katie

Trying to figure shit out.

My skin has been crawling for weeks now. Maybe forever. I'm really sick of it. I've found a new therapist, who seems quite competent. I'm really happy about that. Also a new psychiatrist & endocrinologist. I hope between the 3 of them, they'll be able to help get a handle on my chemical imbalances.

I'm feeling so irritated with other people. I need to surround myself with the people who aren't total douchebags. I have several people available to me who I call friends but I rarely see them.. mostly because in the moment, I think I'd rather hole up in my room after work than give them a call. I need to change my routine. I NEED to! This job has got to go. Most of these guys have really started to bug the shit out of me. I don't share their priorities. They don't give me the tasks that I'm really good at. I'm looked at differently simply because I'm a woman. It's been fine for the most part, but I'm just starting to get to the end of my rope. & I'm desperately trying to work up the balls to leave.

I feel good about my prospects though. I know I'm capable of a lot more & I'm determined to make a bunch of big changes in the next 3 months. I've given myself a tentative deadline - the new year, to get it together.

Oh god, I love clawfoot tubs: http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/sf/tubs/design-obsession-clawfoot-tubs-in-every-color-158253

What do I really want in life? I love plants. I want to be surrounded by plants. I love kitties. I really do love the people I call friends. Even though I seldom see them, I really cherish them. I hope they can sense my energy even though I'm far away. I hope they know..

Very soon I hope I'll have a lot more time on my hands for art & music & crafting & decorating & socializing. Then back to school for learning & reading. That will take a lot of energy from the art making but my chosen career will allow my to go back to it again once I get settled. I will make more of my life. I can't just let myself fade away into the background even though that's been my safe place for the past 20 years. I've got to break out of it or I will just die away. & I don't know if anyone would notice.

:) I'm feelin sorta good today. Skin still crawly. Going to try to sneak in some crochet time between work tasks. Maybe some stomach crunches. Hopefully some reading too. I'm still working my way thru Book 1 of Game of Thrones but I'm picking up the pace. I've realized that reading really relaxes me. I end up forgetting about my anxiety & the psychosomatic pains in my body. I'm also really looking forward to our November trip to Seattle to visit with Nick's family. Our relationship always seem to come back refreshed from Washington.

Mood Book.

I've started keeping track of my moods in a little thing I call the mood book. I made it in excel. It's super cute. There are little suns on the days I'm happy feeling. Clouds for depression. Circled capital A's for anxiety. Angry face, P for period, M for manic, hearts for lovey days, etc.

Hoping it will help illuminate something.. though I'm not sure what. Perhaps it will solidify my suspicions that I get real upset around the week of the crimson tide. [I thought Steven Seagal was in that movie but I just googled it & he's not. Oh well.]

Did you guys know SeaQuest is on Netflix instant play? The whole thing!

I like using little pictographs & symbols instead of words & such. I don't know if that's significant but I imagine some people prefer words. I wonder what else that correlates to.

The other day I had trouble understanding a sentence that this girl was saying to me. It was really confusing. I don't think she was mumbling but maybe she was... anyway I thought I might have had some sort of brain malfunction. It was like she was speaking a different language. Very strange. Then it suddenly cleared up. I hope that's not a harbinger of things to come.. my mother did develop a seizure disorder later in life though (& unbeknownst to anyone, she'd had 3 very small strokes at some point). Doctors thought it might be stress more than genes, but I was birthed from her. & I'm really good at stressing myself out.

It must be that time of the month.

I must be about to start my period...

...because I'm wanting to break up with my boyfriend again. Like I do every month. When I'm about to start the rag.

I think it actually makes a lot of evolutionary sense. He didn't make a baby so it's time to find someone who will.

Good thing I don't actually want them. Ugh. If I had babies now that would be the worst thing in the world.

* * * * *

Monday is our 3 year anniversary. Crazy.

Change.

Made the decision to wait for another quarter or two to start school. It was a really hard decision, even though it may have seemed like the easy choice. Not having to go to school. But what it really means is that I've decided to disrupt my plan & disrupt my 'happy shell' facade. Time to quit my job & find a new part time something to keep an income. And while doing that, get back into therapy, find a new psychiatrist and a new endocrinologist. Make a bunch of art and try to finally grow past my depression.

There's a lot more to this, but I'm not going to get into it now.

* * * * * *

The reason I'm writing is to vent a bit. So I can stop crying & move on. I am feeling a little bit abandoned. He even said this morning that he's "been waiting for me to do something" and in essence, I've now decided to not do it. & implied he's disappointed, maybe even disgusted by me now. Even though he encouraged this path, which I believe is the right one. But he's sub-consciously punishing me for it. It at least that's the way it sorta feels to me. It might simply have all to do with the fact that he hasn't been sleeping or eating enough so he's just extra irritable - & my attention is usually rejected during that state of his.

That's fine & all. I'm just feeling like I made this really difficult life change and as soon as I do it he bails on me. He doesn't see it that way & I know that isn't the whole truth. That's just how I'm feeling right now at this moment.

I have no idea what he was expecting/wanting me to do in the past two days. I don't know what he wants from me. He claims he was giving me space.. which isn't something I asked for. What he must've meant is that he wanted space & he wouldn't say why. So I guess I'm just going to go the rest of the day without talking to him. He even hung up on me. Baffling. I'm just taking a couple days to process this all. Was I not supposed to do that?

Oh, hey now.

It was my birthday last week... I turned 27. Today is also my 3 year anniversary @ Love Systems. This is the longest I've ever held the same job. I hope I don't have to hold it for too much longer. 3 years in Los Angeles. & in one more month it'll be 3 years with Nicolas. Lots of things changed for me in August of 2008..

My grad school app is due in 2 weeks. I hope to God/Science/Hell/Flying Spaghetti Monster I get accepted. I never even got used to identifying as "26" - being "27" just seems weird.

It's like 30 minus 3. Mom had me at this age. This age, 6 days ago. Eeek. I've got a great partner though. Last weekend we went to San Diego. Laid out in the sun, ate yummy food, relaxed. It was quite nice.

I guess I didn't do one of my silly birthday posts last year.. but I'll do one now. This was my 24th birthday goal list:

1. I have the same job
2. Same house as last year & it's still awesome. Living with Nick, Chris & Devin. & I've been redecorating like crazy. It's starting to look really good..
3. I'm almost done applying to college!
4. Took many vacations. In the past couple years I've been to: New Orleans, Portland, Seattle, Monterrey, San Francisco, New York
5. This should probably be changed to something like get creative output going (hopefully in a manner that makes some money) - I've started an Etsy store where I sell my vintage stuff I no longer wear
6. Same boyfriend!
7. I def got new tattoos.. I got 5 more since my 26th birthday. (& have 2 more planned for the very near future)
8. Well, I've gotten down to 129-131 pounds. I do need to exercise more.
9. I don't hate life. I still have hangups, anxiety, depression, but things are really looking up. I'm learning a lot.
10. Oh I don't want a party this year. I got a wonderful relaxing weekend in the sun which was all I needed :)

SANE.

I should probably mention somewhere that I often rant about shit like the below when I'm not feeling sane, and tend not to need to blog/vent when I do feel sane. So this is a sane post...

The feelings I discussed earlier in the week aren't really applying now. I wouldn't rather be single than be with Nick. I adore him. Like ridiculous tons. I'm just sorta nuts when I'm not on my meds. (I'm def still bisexual though..)

* * * *

In other news - grad school application due in 4 WEEKS!!! I'm almost done with my essay. Sent my transcript request. Applied for financial aid. Now I just need to get my letters of rec & send all the shit in. YAY! I can't wait to start school.

* * * *

I'm going to get more tattoos soon. Also excited about that.